Random thoughts

Another day draws to a close as I sit in front of my desk, staring at this empty screen and this keyboard full of dead letters.

Thoughts and emotions tumble through my mind , refusing to be captured and penned down. This frustration with a another meaningless day in the office is underlined by an overwhelming sense of loneliness, punctuated and given meaning when I walk into this empty little space I call home.

What would I give to be able to just hold another human being till this loneliness dissipates. To be allowed to cook for two. To watch Tv or listen to music in silence, just knowing the presence of another beside me.

O what a sweet dream, this dream of companionship and intimacy. This dream that I am not sure I am allowed to have. How I wish that God sent SMS's or telegrams. What if this dream clashes with His will ? If only I could know, could share , in the dreams He has for me. If only I could know that somewhere in the future .......

And so I battle with this fight inside me. This struggle to be content in the now. This struggle to remain positive and wait for His time. I long to know where He needs me to go , and what He needs me to do. I long to know his purpose and dream for my life.

Funny how having a soul mate and serving God , in my mind at least, seems directly opposed. But it is. It always has been in my life. This battle between 'seek ye first the Kingdom' and this overwhelming need to love and be loved.

Pray for me . Pray that I will find His will and His answers. Pray for me as I seek his plan for my life . As I try to understand. As I battle through each day in the office. And as I strive to place Him first in my heart and my life.