Birthdays

In a couple of days I will be having passing suffering surviving come face to face with my birthday. And whilst I am generally quite happy and content with my life at the moment , I can not help feeling a little depressed when I think about it.

You see , in a couple of days I turn 33. And compared to other 33 year old people I know , I have very little to show for my 33 years on earth. And 'yes' I know , I shouldn't compare my life to that of others, and normally I couldn't give a rats arse. But just sometimes, I do.

And so knowing what I do , I have to answer two questions for myself :

Would I have still married Alet ?  Yes.
Would I have made the same financial decisions ?  No. 'Cause maybe , if I made better financial decisions both me and Alet (and by implication - my son) would have been in a better place to continue our lives after the divorce.

All I can do for now , is try to make better decisions and hope that some day things will work out ok.

And maybe,  until that 'someday' , I can ignore birthdays and just let them go by quietly.

Update

OK. Some time has passed since my last blog. And while I am brewing and chewing on some new blog posts I have not got any thing really significant to say.

I have had a very nice long weekend with Christelle who came visit all the way from Bloemfontein. I am very proud of her for having the guts to drive all the way here and back alone. Especially since this was her first solo long trip. Also proud of her for making the choice to move out of her mother's house and into her own little place. I think that is something that should have happened a very long time ago.

Today I was thrown in the deep end when I was tasked with training the new endurance drivers at work. I think that things went ok and that they learned as much as I could teach them in one day.

I have been chewing on two blogs that may or may not actually see the light of blogspace. Will see how that turns out.

Christelle has given me a book to read called 'Conversations with God' by N.D.Walsch.  I found it quite surprising to see how quickly my 'spirit' rebelled against what I was reading. About 3 pages into the book I was uncomfortable with the thoughts and 'theology' behind the book.  The further I read , the more I became convinced that Mr. Walsch was a) not a Christian and b) had the cat by the tail. A lot of what he writes centers around the teachings of the New Age movement.  I went to the trouble of google-ing the book and came across a couple of christian websites who had the info I needed. I am afraid that I will not be reading the book any further.

Makes me feel slightly guilty , actually, as this is second book that poor Christelle gave me to read that I did not agree with. (the other one , a book by Joel Osteen. Seems my Theology and Joel's does not agree either.)

So.... that is my life in a nutshell at the moment.

That longing feeling......

There is a struggle in me for the last while that I feel the need to place on paper webspace. Due, in part, to the need I have to share my struggle but also due to the fact that verbalising my thought may help me clarify some things for myself.

This post may not make a lot of sense and will probably not be very coherent. Please bear with me as I wrestle through this.

To get to the point.

From since puberty hit me and girls became something else than irritating , giggling things to be ignored , I have had a need (a longing, if you will) to have girlfriend. To have a person in my life that I could love and hold and share that special closeness with. Up to about my 21st birthday I never really had a girlfriend. O how I longed for a girlfriend ! How I longed to also have someone special in my life to love and to hold.

I am guessing that this was/is part of what it means to be a sexual being. The capacity to be attracted to someone , to fall in love , and to love is what defines our sexuality.

Now , being a Christian , and having been raised in a Christian home and Church , I have obviously come in contact with the church's view and opinions on sex and sexuality. And if we have to be honest then the chucrh's view and opnion was usually one of 'Don't!!'

Don't look. Don't touch. Don't enjoy. Don't mention. Don't acknowledge. Don't deal with it. Don't talk about it.

The church has either shied away from dealing with sexuality or has shoved it's head in the sand with an attitude that said ' If we ignore it , it will go away!'. And so , In my mind and I believe many other's , the idea formed that Christianity and Sexuality did not mix. You could be a Christian , or a sexual being , but if you were a Christian and (admitted to be) a sexual being you were sinning.

The problem is that human sexuality will not be denied. It is a part of how God created us. This means that many good, God fearing people , live with a guilt complex about their sexuality. I find that I long for someone to love and hold. And then I feel so guilty about it. Becuase all of the things I heard in my youth comes back to me. Things like : God should be your all. God should fill the void in you. God's love for you is enough.

Maybe I even sprouted some of that nonsense to other people . I hope not. But if I did I am really sorry. Because in the last few months I have learnt that going home to an empty house or getting into an empty bed, sucks. The longing for closeness and human touch and contact is so strong that when an old lady in a prayer meeting rubbed my hand while she was in thought the other day , I nearly broke down and sobbed like a child.

So , I think this post needs to deal with two things. Firstly , I believe that the church needs to wake up and change it's attitude towards sexuality. We need to realise that human beings are sexual beings. We need to stop condeming people about their sexuality and start to help them to develop and nurture their sexuality to the glory of God.

Secondly , I need to deal with the guilt I feel towards my longing for intemacy and closeness to another human being. Maybe I need to learn that it is normal and ok to want to love and be loved.

Pray for me as I walk on this journey while I try to find God's plan and will for my life. And as I sometimes battle these feelings of loneliness and guilt.

Fireproof

Last night I watched a movie called "fireproof".

Here is a description of the movie - shamelessly copied from the fireproof website.

At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter's adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules.

Growing up, Catherine Holt always dreamed of marrying a loving, brave firefighter...just like her daddy. Now, after seven years of marriage, Catherine wonders when she stopped being "good enough" for her husband.

Regular arguments over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to move on to something with more sparks.

As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb's father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment: "The Love Dare." Wondering if it's even worth the effort, Caleb agrees-for his father's sake more than for his marriage. When Caleb discovers the book's daily challenges are tied into his parents' new found faith, his already limited interest is further dampened.

While trying to stay true to his promise, Caleb becomes frustrated time and again. He finally asks his father, "How am I supposed to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?"

When his father explains that this is the love Christ shows to us, Caleb makes a life-changing commitment to love God. And with God's help he begins to understand what it means to truly love his wife.

But is it too late to fireproof his marriage? His job is to rescue others. Now Caleb Holt is ready to face his toughest job ever...rescuing his wife's heart.

» Read More About FIREPROOF.

I couldn't help but wonder if things would have worked out differently if I had been a better husband . And I realize that it probably would not have. But I am still very, very sorry for the pain and hurt that I caused Alet in the years that we have been married. I realize that I did not do a very good biblical job of showing the love I had for her. But love her , I did! I am sorry for not having shown it the way I should have.

And so , I find other questions queing up to be noticed : .... Would I actually learn from my mistakes and do a better job of it if I get a second chance at marriage one day? Would I actually get a second chance ? or was this it ? Either way , I do not regret the 10 years of marriage that I have had. I do regret not being a better husband though.

;-|

Time to take my stand.

My best friend, of the last 13 odd years, is gay. It wasn't something she decided to be one day. It wasn't a choice she made or lifestyle she liked. In fact for the last 10 years she tried so very hard to be a normal wife in a normal family.

She is also a Christian. a Follower of Jesus and a woman deeply devoted to God. For 10 years she tried her level best to be a good 'straight' christian wife , and live a normal heterosexual life. But eventually the pressures of living a life of lies got too much. Not being able to be who she was created to be , was slowly killing her. And it was killing me. And so at the end of 2008 we got divorced.

I still love and respect her deeply as a friend and as the mother of my child. And I wish for her all the best that life has to offer. I wish for her joy and happiness and love and peace. I realize that the path before her will not be an easy one. And so , for the little that it is worth, to her and fellow gay or lesbian people , I need to take a stand.

The church is so fond of saying :"love the sinner, but hate the sin". And, though I do not believe that being gay is a sin, I would like to follow this line of thought for a short while.

Jesus said something about loving people . He said "Love your neighbor as yourself".

So let me go with this for a while. As a human being I wish a couple of things for myself. Things like : health, a place to stay, friends, food, love....

Let us look at that one quickly. Love.... I wish for myself someone whom I can love and who can love me. A soul mate. My other half.

I do not want to grow old all alone. I do not want to be celibate. I want to have a soul mate , a lover, a partner. Yes , I want to enjoy the intimacy of sex. So how on earth can I wish these things for myself , yet turn around and say to Alet - you are not allowed to have these things.

I think that it is very, very easy for the church to stand at a distance and say "love the sinner, hate the sin". It is a lot more difficult to say this if it is to the face of some one you love and care for like a son , a daughter or a close friend.

I am convinced that for most gay / lesbian people , being gay was never a choice. It is the way they were born. How can I tell them that the way they were created is wrong. Is a sin. Is not good enough for God.

And so , I say this to any church that sprouts the gay is a sin slogan: You are wrong ! And I will not enter or be part of a church that supports that opinion.

I realize that there is a lot more to this debate , and it was never my intention to try and debate all the points, or cover all the issues. But it was my intention to give all who want to know , an insight into my stand on the subject.

The Question now is .....

c - South African Tourism

The big question.

I will post more details later. But for now this will have to do.

I need to go and pray and ask God about this one.

Another day , another mood.

Thank you to all who commented and worried and phoned me after my very negative post yesterday.

I maybe need make one thing clear - I know that God is always with me. Even in my deepest despair yesterday was I not unaware of His presence in my life .




I think that what got to me yesterday was a sense of hopelessness . I do not know what God is planning for my life and I do not understand why things happen in my life. And that is something I do not handle well. If I know why something is happening or what the plan for a certain event is , then I am quite happy to go through loads of nonsense in order to get to the end result. I could not see where my life is going. I saw all the negative things and all the things that to me looked so big and I forgot that I serve a God who is not limited to my limitations .

I guess I need to remember James 1 : 2-5

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Especially since I have been asking God for wisdom and understanding so I can know His will for my life.

I consider myself rapped over the knuckles !

Today , I am curious . I can not wait to see where God is going with my life. And yes , I am also impatient !!!! I wish He would do things now.

And then I stop and I realize.:" But He is doing things now !" He is doing things in my life. And in my friends lives. And it excites me so !!

Question : Do we serve an AWESOME God , or what ??!!

Today

Today I am feeling tired and depressed.
I did not enjoy my job.
And I am lonely.

Maybe that is what is eating me most. Human beings were never made to be alone. And I do not do well with alone.

What am I trying to say ? I do not know. I have no idea.

Sometimes life is just ....... hard.

Mine is . Today.

But

tomorrow

will

be

better.

I am just tired , and depressed , and gatvol , and lonely. Maybe I just have PMS. And this blustery wind is not helping.

Don't worry . I will be ok. promise !

Random thoughts

Another day draws to a close as I sit in front of my desk, staring at this empty screen and this keyboard full of dead letters.

Thoughts and emotions tumble through my mind , refusing to be captured and penned down. This frustration with a another meaningless day in the office is underlined by an overwhelming sense of loneliness, punctuated and given meaning when I walk into this empty little space I call home.

What would I give to be able to just hold another human being till this loneliness dissipates. To be allowed to cook for two. To watch Tv or listen to music in silence, just knowing the presence of another beside me.

O what a sweet dream, this dream of companionship and intimacy. This dream that I am not sure I am allowed to have. How I wish that God sent SMS's or telegrams. What if this dream clashes with His will ? If only I could know, could share , in the dreams He has for me. If only I could know that somewhere in the future .......

And so I battle with this fight inside me. This struggle to be content in the now. This struggle to remain positive and wait for His time. I long to know where He needs me to go , and what He needs me to do. I long to know his purpose and dream for my life.

Funny how having a soul mate and serving God , in my mind at least, seems directly opposed. But it is. It always has been in my life. This battle between 'seek ye first the Kingdom' and this overwhelming need to love and be loved.

Pray for me . Pray that I will find His will and His answers. Pray for me as I seek his plan for my life . As I try to understand. As I battle through each day in the office. And as I strive to place Him first in my heart and my life.

Some more exhibitionism

This morning , with yesterdays post on blogging still in my mind , I sat in front of my Pc and looked at my earlier blogs.

If you are a sucker for punishment , you are welcome to go and look at my previous blogs.

125th @ f8 - starts my blogging experience in 2005. And then appears and disappears until 2007. where I then start a new blog called :

The sometimes cynical opinions of Mev. Dominee. this ran from 2007 until early 2008. somewhere in the middle I changed the name to 'The bloggger formerly known as Mev Dominee'

As always with Blogs it is best to start at the bottom and work up just to make sure that you keep a sense of chronology.

But anyway... I have realized that blogging has become a part of my life. There were times when I blogged more , or less, but always I returned.

And now , I can look back at about 4 years of blogging and see how I have grown. And reflect on the good and the bad times. And through it all I can see God working in my life.

This tension of the soul

Today I am forced to blog from my cell phone again. I do not like blogging from my phone since the buttons are too small and I can not pound out my frustration and aggression on this small keyboard.

To get to the title of this post. I find myself torn between doing (and finding God's will) and doing what I would like to do or think that I need.

I really , really need to find and do God's will in my life. And I find it so very difficult to know and find His will. And somewhere in this whole mix is my sexuality. My need for love and acceptance and intamacy. Not sex. Just intamacy. A sense of belonging. Of selfworth.

The problem is that it is so much easier to experience love and acceptance and intamacy from a fellow human being than it is to experience this from God. For me in any case. But i realize that before I do not experience and accept this from God , I will never be able to fully experience this from another human.

And so I am torn between my needs and God's will.

I wanted to call this post 'torn', but that would have implied damage and hurt and pain. And I realized that that would not be entirely true. Whilst I am living in this tension I am not getting hurt or damaged.

In this tension I grow. In this tension I learn. It is difficult. And lonely. But I believe that through this , I will grow closer to God. And that I will grow stronger. And I realize that ultimately that is what I need.