Depression

After valiantly ignoring all the signs for as long as I could and calling what I experienced these last few weeks 'survival mode' I came to the conclusion yesterday that I am on the verge of depression.

Having been there before I know that it is a tough and steep hole to get out of. I realized that things are not going well when I stopped a bit to take stock of myself yesterday and found the following :

• I almost welcomed the deep sadness that came over me yesterday. As if when I can not feel any other emotions like joy or happiness then at least I can feel this emotion of sadness. As if any emotion is better than none at all.
• I have no willpower to do anything more than the routine.
  
• I am not interested in doing new things or meeting new people , or even spending time with any one that will make any demands on the limited emotional resources that I have left.
• At times I feel completely and utterly hopeless.
  
• After having lost 3 kgs recently , I gained 5kg in the past 2 weeks.
• I am irritable and emotionally unstable.
• My sleep patterns are up to sh....!
  

And so I admitted all of this to myself. I went to the chemist to go and buy a vitamin B complex booster. I admitted my sorry state to Neville, Graham and Christelle. And I am making a point of tackling at least one issue that needs dealing with every day.

I need to say that things are already going a little better today. In no small measure, I am sure, due to God looking out for me and helping me.

So please pray for me. But also , realize that things are going better already.


PS: there is a couple blog posts brewing in my mind at the moment. And that is a good thing , me thinks!

Another day , another mood.

Thank you to all who commented and worried and phoned me after my very negative post yesterday.

I maybe need make one thing clear - I know that God is always with me. Even in my deepest despair yesterday was I not unaware of His presence in my life .




I think that what got to me yesterday was a sense of hopelessness . I do not know what God is planning for my life and I do not understand why things happen in my life. And that is something I do not handle well. If I know why something is happening or what the plan for a certain event is , then I am quite happy to go through loads of nonsense in order to get to the end result. I could not see where my life is going. I saw all the negative things and all the things that to me looked so big and I forgot that I serve a God who is not limited to my limitations .

I guess I need to remember James 1 : 2-5

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Especially since I have been asking God for wisdom and understanding so I can know His will for my life.

I consider myself rapped over the knuckles !

Today , I am curious . I can not wait to see where God is going with my life. And yes , I am also impatient !!!! I wish He would do things now.

And then I stop and I realize.:" But He is doing things now !" He is doing things in my life. And in my friends lives. And it excites me so !!

Question : Do we serve an AWESOME God , or what ??!!

Today

Today I am feeling tired and depressed.
I did not enjoy my job.
And I am lonely.

Maybe that is what is eating me most. Human beings were never made to be alone. And I do not do well with alone.

What am I trying to say ? I do not know. I have no idea.

Sometimes life is just ....... hard.

Mine is . Today.

But

tomorrow

will

be

better.

I am just tired , and depressed , and gatvol , and lonely. Maybe I just have PMS. And this blustery wind is not helping.

Don't worry . I will be ok. promise !