This weekend

This Sunday afternoon I had lunch with Paul and Helena. We had a lovely time and had fantastic Lamb that Paul grilled on a rottesserie on his braai and Potatoes , rice , vegies and pudding that Helena prepared.

I had a great time with them. After lunch Paul took us for a drive and we ended up at the Van Stadens river Flower Reserve. I did not have my camera with me and had to take this pic with my cell phone. But I promised myself that I will go back soon and go and take some proper pics.

That longing feeling......

There is a struggle in me for the last while that I feel the need to place on paper webspace. Due, in part, to the need I have to share my struggle but also due to the fact that verbalising my thought may help me clarify some things for myself.

This post may not make a lot of sense and will probably not be very coherent. Please bear with me as I wrestle through this.

To get to the point.

From since puberty hit me and girls became something else than irritating , giggling things to be ignored , I have had a need (a longing, if you will) to have girlfriend. To have a person in my life that I could love and hold and share that special closeness with. Up to about my 21st birthday I never really had a girlfriend. O how I longed for a girlfriend ! How I longed to also have someone special in my life to love and to hold.

I am guessing that this was/is part of what it means to be a sexual being. The capacity to be attracted to someone , to fall in love , and to love is what defines our sexuality.

Now , being a Christian , and having been raised in a Christian home and Church , I have obviously come in contact with the church's view and opinions on sex and sexuality. And if we have to be honest then the chucrh's view and opnion was usually one of 'Don't!!'

Don't look. Don't touch. Don't enjoy. Don't mention. Don't acknowledge. Don't deal with it. Don't talk about it.

The church has either shied away from dealing with sexuality or has shoved it's head in the sand with an attitude that said ' If we ignore it , it will go away!'. And so , In my mind and I believe many other's , the idea formed that Christianity and Sexuality did not mix. You could be a Christian , or a sexual being , but if you were a Christian and (admitted to be) a sexual being you were sinning.

The problem is that human sexuality will not be denied. It is a part of how God created us. This means that many good, God fearing people , live with a guilt complex about their sexuality. I find that I long for someone to love and hold. And then I feel so guilty about it. Becuase all of the things I heard in my youth comes back to me. Things like : God should be your all. God should fill the void in you. God's love for you is enough.

Maybe I even sprouted some of that nonsense to other people . I hope not. But if I did I am really sorry. Because in the last few months I have learnt that going home to an empty house or getting into an empty bed, sucks. The longing for closeness and human touch and contact is so strong that when an old lady in a prayer meeting rubbed my hand while she was in thought the other day , I nearly broke down and sobbed like a child.

So , I think this post needs to deal with two things. Firstly , I believe that the church needs to wake up and change it's attitude towards sexuality. We need to realise that human beings are sexual beings. We need to stop condeming people about their sexuality and start to help them to develop and nurture their sexuality to the glory of God.

Secondly , I need to deal with the guilt I feel towards my longing for intemacy and closeness to another human being. Maybe I need to learn that it is normal and ok to want to love and be loved.

Pray for me as I walk on this journey while I try to find God's plan and will for my life. And as I sometimes battle these feelings of loneliness and guilt.

Snakes and Ladders and Mental barriers

I have never been very fond of board games. One game I never really liked was 'snakes and ladders'. While it was nice to be able to move my pip up the ladder I hated it when I had to move back down a snake. Sometimes way down - all the way to the beginning.

Isn't it strange how in a marriage you can become so used to your partner? What ? You have never felt that ? Is it only me ?

Ok. Sorry.

I realize that over the 10 years or our marriage I have become very used to Alet. Her way of thinking and doing. Her humor and passions. Her way of looking at things and reacting. And in that state of being 'used to' your partner you become complacent.

Up to today, Alet has not been a significant part of my life for just more than eight months.

Now , let me be honest. I long for somebody to hold and cuddle and put my arms around when I lie in bed at night. I long to love and to share my life. And I long to be loved. To be held and cared for and to feel special and accepted.

But somewhere between this longing and the fulfillment of that longing lies a mental barrier. A barrier that says - you have to start again. You have to learn to love and care and trust again. You have to start all the way back at the beginning.

That same mental barrier is made up of a question also. A question that says - Is it worth it ? Is it really worth it to love and care and trust again ?

Will it be worth it ? I am sure it will. Will I get past this barrier of being scared to get hurt again? I am sure I will . At some point.

If this post is a little confusing and unstructured , please excuse me. This is something that I am still working out in my mind. And I find that blogging sometimes helps me to organize my thoughts.

You.

I have loved you. Absolutely.
But I did not show my love the way I should have.
I have loved you . With all my Heart.
But when things did not work out. Did not make sense :
I became selfish and self centered.

Today I wondered; If one day, people will understand ?
That the best way for me to show my love was to set you free.
To not hold on. To allow you to be the woman you were made to be.
What, would more selfishness have brought ?

I pray that you will find contentment, and peace.
And Love.
I pray that you will love, and be loved.
Fully you. And fully alive.
I pray that you will be allowed to be you.
The real you.

Fireproof

Last night I watched a movie called "fireproof".

Here is a description of the movie - shamelessly copied from the fireproof website.

At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter's adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules.

Growing up, Catherine Holt always dreamed of marrying a loving, brave firefighter...just like her daddy. Now, after seven years of marriage, Catherine wonders when she stopped being "good enough" for her husband.

Regular arguments over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to move on to something with more sparks.

As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb's father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment: "The Love Dare." Wondering if it's even worth the effort, Caleb agrees-for his father's sake more than for his marriage. When Caleb discovers the book's daily challenges are tied into his parents' new found faith, his already limited interest is further dampened.

While trying to stay true to his promise, Caleb becomes frustrated time and again. He finally asks his father, "How am I supposed to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?"

When his father explains that this is the love Christ shows to us, Caleb makes a life-changing commitment to love God. And with God's help he begins to understand what it means to truly love his wife.

But is it too late to fireproof his marriage? His job is to rescue others. Now Caleb Holt is ready to face his toughest job ever...rescuing his wife's heart.

» Read More About FIREPROOF.

I couldn't help but wonder if things would have worked out differently if I had been a better husband . And I realize that it probably would not have. But I am still very, very sorry for the pain and hurt that I caused Alet in the years that we have been married. I realize that I did not do a very good biblical job of showing the love I had for her. But love her , I did! I am sorry for not having shown it the way I should have.

And so , I find other questions queing up to be noticed : .... Would I actually learn from my mistakes and do a better job of it if I get a second chance at marriage one day? Would I actually get a second chance ? or was this it ? Either way , I do not regret the 10 years of marriage that I have had. I do regret not being a better husband though.

;-|

Time to take my stand.

My best friend, of the last 13 odd years, is gay. It wasn't something she decided to be one day. It wasn't a choice she made or lifestyle she liked. In fact for the last 10 years she tried so very hard to be a normal wife in a normal family.

She is also a Christian. a Follower of Jesus and a woman deeply devoted to God. For 10 years she tried her level best to be a good 'straight' christian wife , and live a normal heterosexual life. But eventually the pressures of living a life of lies got too much. Not being able to be who she was created to be , was slowly killing her. And it was killing me. And so at the end of 2008 we got divorced.

I still love and respect her deeply as a friend and as the mother of my child. And I wish for her all the best that life has to offer. I wish for her joy and happiness and love and peace. I realize that the path before her will not be an easy one. And so , for the little that it is worth, to her and fellow gay or lesbian people , I need to take a stand.

The church is so fond of saying :"love the sinner, but hate the sin". And, though I do not believe that being gay is a sin, I would like to follow this line of thought for a short while.

Jesus said something about loving people . He said "Love your neighbor as yourself".

So let me go with this for a while. As a human being I wish a couple of things for myself. Things like : health, a place to stay, friends, food, love....

Let us look at that one quickly. Love.... I wish for myself someone whom I can love and who can love me. A soul mate. My other half.

I do not want to grow old all alone. I do not want to be celibate. I want to have a soul mate , a lover, a partner. Yes , I want to enjoy the intimacy of sex. So how on earth can I wish these things for myself , yet turn around and say to Alet - you are not allowed to have these things.

I think that it is very, very easy for the church to stand at a distance and say "love the sinner, hate the sin". It is a lot more difficult to say this if it is to the face of some one you love and care for like a son , a daughter or a close friend.

I am convinced that for most gay / lesbian people , being gay was never a choice. It is the way they were born. How can I tell them that the way they were created is wrong. Is a sin. Is not good enough for God.

And so , I say this to any church that sprouts the gay is a sin slogan: You are wrong ! And I will not enter or be part of a church that supports that opinion.

I realize that there is a lot more to this debate , and it was never my intention to try and debate all the points, or cover all the issues. But it was my intention to give all who want to know , an insight into my stand on the subject.

My son's birthday

Yesterday my son turned 8. And every year bar one I baked the cake for his birthday. So I drove all the way to Cape Town for the weekend to go and visit him and my (ex) wife* and to go and bake him a cake. In this case , a doggie cake.

I had a great weekend. We played with his new toys and built lots of Lego cars. It was nice to see him again after 4 months and it was good to be able to sit down and chat with Alet.

Thanks guys for a nice weekend.

* : I do not like the term ex wife. It has way too many negative connections. The thing is that we are still good friends. And I still care for her. And so she is not the typical Ex. I know that we will always have a soft spot and care for each other.
I do not want people to associate the negative connections with her. So what do I call her?

Questions

I sit an stare at this empty screen.
I wonder what I should say and write.
Should I be honest ?
Should I be that honest ?

Or is there some things that one does not say ,
does not share ?
How do I put this turmoil of mind into words ?
How do I explain this ache ? This need?
How do I share what is on my mind ?
How do I make you see ? Make you understand ?

Is it wrong ?

This ache ?

This longing ?

This need to love ?

And to be loved ?

This tension of the soul

Today I am forced to blog from my cell phone again. I do not like blogging from my phone since the buttons are too small and I can not pound out my frustration and aggression on this small keyboard.

To get to the title of this post. I find myself torn between doing (and finding God's will) and doing what I would like to do or think that I need.

I really , really need to find and do God's will in my life. And I find it so very difficult to know and find His will. And somewhere in this whole mix is my sexuality. My need for love and acceptance and intamacy. Not sex. Just intamacy. A sense of belonging. Of selfworth.

The problem is that it is so much easier to experience love and acceptance and intamacy from a fellow human being than it is to experience this from God. For me in any case. But i realize that before I do not experience and accept this from God , I will never be able to fully experience this from another human.

And so I am torn between my needs and God's will.

I wanted to call this post 'torn', but that would have implied damage and hurt and pain. And I realized that that would not be entirely true. Whilst I am living in this tension I am not getting hurt or damaged.

In this tension I grow. In this tension I learn. It is difficult. And lonely. But I believe that through this , I will grow closer to God. And that I will grow stronger. And I realize that ultimately that is what I need.

Valentine's day follow up

ok, So I am back at home and behind my PC and seeing as I can now copy and paste I decided to go and find the lyrics of the song I mentioned last week and paste it here. So here is the 1st verse and chorus of 'Gotta be someone' by Nickelback.

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up 'til the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Valentine's Day

Being wihout my laptop and far from my desktop I am forced to try and blog using my cellphone.

The biggest problem with this is that i can not copy and paste text from other websites.
If I could I would have copied and pasted the lyrics of a song called 'Gotta be somebody' from Nickelback.

So for now I will ask you to google the song and read the lyrics, especially the first verse and chorus. I will post the lyrics in this post once I am back home.

Happiness

Today I walked around in Greenacres shopping centre. And as I walked I looked at the people passing me in the passages. And I saw old people and young people and married couples and dating couples.

And every time I saw a couple pass me a question burned in my mind. " I wonder if he is happy?". "I wonder if she is happy?" . " I wonder if they are having problems?"

Now the reason behind my questions is not some underlying cynicism, although I can be quite a cynic sometimes, but rather a question in my mind that says :" Can I and is it possible to find happiness , or a am I dreaming about something that is not possible ?"

32

Seeing as I turn 32 today I thought I would write a post of the 32 highlights of my life. one highlight for every year. The scary part was that I realized that there were quite a number of years that I would not be able to list highlights for.

Make no mistake - there were some .

• Like the day I met my wife.
• The day we got married.
• The day she was accepted as a probationary Methodist minister.
• The day I got my first digital SLR camera.

But surely not enough to make up 32. Especially not if I had to limit them to one per year.

So I decided that I would rather make another list. and even this one may take some thinking. So here we go :

32 things you may not have known about me :

1. Although ,by all accounts, I look mean , I have a very small heart.
2. I do not see myself as a particularly good photographer
3. I am always surprised to see myself in a photo ( I never think of myself as so much bigger than most other people)
4. I was the nerd at school (not the smart geek type, just the guy that everyone bullied)
5. I studied computer-systems-engineering for a year and then quit.
6. In Matric I wanted to be an air force fighter pilot
7. I was Youth Pastor in the Dutch Reformed Church for a year
8. I met my wife when she was dating my best friend
9. I struggle to see God as a loving Father
10. I do not have a very good relationship with my own father.
11. I would love to own a motorbike. I have a softspot for the Honda Transalp 700
    
12. I would love to have a go at being a rally driver
13. I love Christian music.
14. I love Abba and classical music.
15. Sometimes I will listen to heavy metal (though still Christian Metal)
16. I google my name sometimes
17. I like to cook
18. At one stage after school I was super fit and won 32km cycle race against pros. I was on a borrowed mountain bike.
19. I would like to start cycling again.
20. I hate running (it hurts my back)
21. I am very practically minded
22. My first computer was a Commodore Vic 20. I was 8.
23. I have designed at least 12 websites.
24. If I could do any job in the world , I would like to be a Helicopter Pilot.
25. I like to read Terry Pratchett's Discworld books
26. I like to sing
27. I like new challenges but get bored once I have mastered them.
28. I have very few close friends
29. I am not very good with money (and at the moment I am paying the price for my stupidity)
30. I love gadgets.
31. I have a thing for torches and flashlights. I have to really restrain myself from buying new ones when I see them in a store.
32. I would like to learn to drive big interlink trucks.

Today

A word of thanks.

Thank you for taking the time to meet with us. Thank you for spending time to set our minds at peace and calm some fears.

Thank you for being 'real' where so many people and Christians are fake.

Thank you that I know that Alet will be in safe hands.

Thank you for your friendship, compassion and care.

And thank you for the cap. I will wear it with pride , knowing that a good friend gave it to me.

Thank you!.

May God bless you and guide you in this time ahead. May His will be done in the days and decisions that follow.

It is a privilege to call you my friend.

The Shack

I have recently read , as I am sure have many others, a book called 'The Shack' by William P Young.

To be honest , I read it in one day. Then cried my eyes out. Then started reading it again two days later.

I can not recommend this book enough. I do think that it is necessary to point out that the word 'shack' in a South African context has a negative connotation to it and that this 'shack' is not the shack that South Africans have in mind.
Whilst I am surely no great theologian , I will say that this book resonated with my soul and that I have read nothing in this book that I felt was ,if not biblically true then , not spiritually true.

All I can say is: Leave your prejudice behind and read the book from beginning to end. It is awesome. I am sure that you will meet and experience , and maybe catch a glimpse into, the heart of God like never before.

I understand.

Thank you.