That longing feeling......

There is a struggle in me for the last while that I feel the need to place on paper webspace. Due, in part, to the need I have to share my struggle but also due to the fact that verbalising my thought may help me clarify some things for myself.

This post may not make a lot of sense and will probably not be very coherent. Please bear with me as I wrestle through this.

To get to the point.

From since puberty hit me and girls became something else than irritating , giggling things to be ignored , I have had a need (a longing, if you will) to have girlfriend. To have a person in my life that I could love and hold and share that special closeness with. Up to about my 21st birthday I never really had a girlfriend. O how I longed for a girlfriend ! How I longed to also have someone special in my life to love and to hold.

I am guessing that this was/is part of what it means to be a sexual being. The capacity to be attracted to someone , to fall in love , and to love is what defines our sexuality.

Now , being a Christian , and having been raised in a Christian home and Church , I have obviously come in contact with the church's view and opinions on sex and sexuality. And if we have to be honest then the chucrh's view and opnion was usually one of 'Don't!!'

Don't look. Don't touch. Don't enjoy. Don't mention. Don't acknowledge. Don't deal with it. Don't talk about it.

The church has either shied away from dealing with sexuality or has shoved it's head in the sand with an attitude that said ' If we ignore it , it will go away!'. And so , In my mind and I believe many other's , the idea formed that Christianity and Sexuality did not mix. You could be a Christian , or a sexual being , but if you were a Christian and (admitted to be) a sexual being you were sinning.

The problem is that human sexuality will not be denied. It is a part of how God created us. This means that many good, God fearing people , live with a guilt complex about their sexuality. I find that I long for someone to love and hold. And then I feel so guilty about it. Becuase all of the things I heard in my youth comes back to me. Things like : God should be your all. God should fill the void in you. God's love for you is enough.

Maybe I even sprouted some of that nonsense to other people . I hope not. But if I did I am really sorry. Because in the last few months I have learnt that going home to an empty house or getting into an empty bed, sucks. The longing for closeness and human touch and contact is so strong that when an old lady in a prayer meeting rubbed my hand while she was in thought the other day , I nearly broke down and sobbed like a child.

So , I think this post needs to deal with two things. Firstly , I believe that the church needs to wake up and change it's attitude towards sexuality. We need to realise that human beings are sexual beings. We need to stop condeming people about their sexuality and start to help them to develop and nurture their sexuality to the glory of God.

Secondly , I need to deal with the guilt I feel towards my longing for intemacy and closeness to another human being. Maybe I need to learn that it is normal and ok to want to love and be loved.

Pray for me as I walk on this journey while I try to find God's plan and will for my life. And as I sometimes battle these feelings of loneliness and guilt.