An interview with : Me, myself and I

I have been privileged to get Me and Myself for an interview recently. The transcript of that interview follows:

I: Welcome guys , and thanks for joining me for this interview.
Myself: Thank you very much . It is great to be here.
Me: Hey , great to be here.

I:Now you have been writing this blog for a while now. As far as this blog is concerned you have been fairly quiet recently compared to a month or so ago. Any reason for that ?
Me: Yes , you know , we find that when it comes to this blog that it happens often that there are quieter times and busier times. It's seems to be a cycle.
Myself: I think it depends on our emotional situation at the time. It would seem that we blog more when things are going tough.

I: So would that mean that you are OK at the moment ?
Myself : Yes , I do think so.

I: Yet , in you last post you mentioned that you are in 'survival mode'. What did you mean by that ?
Me: hmmm, tough question. I think 'survival mode' means that we have to make do with what we've got. The situation is not ideal , but it is not bad either. And so if we had to look at things objectively then it is going ok.
Myself: Let me add: Survival mode in a way forces us to bypass the emotional things a bit. I think it is a bit of a defence mechanism. 'Cause if we had to really delve into the emotions of being alone and all that that entails we would surely end up in a state of depression.
ME: Yes, and having suffered from depression for a number of years it is a place we do our best to avoid.

I: So are you saying that if you were honest that emotionally you are not ok ?
Me: No , not at all. Emotionally we are actually surprisingly OK. But as you know , we do not cope well with being alone. And so we tend to stay away from dwelling on the emotions of being alone for too long.

I: Ok , so what do you see for the future ? There was talk of going into game ranging, or going to Bloem? What are you planning at the moment ?
Myself : The idea at the moment is to move to Bloem by the end of June 2009. We hope to find a job there and a place to rent and stay.
Me: Yes, start over, if you like.

I: Are you excited about this new plan ?
Me: You know, I am not sure if excited is the right word. Being in 'survival mode' sort off dampens all emotions - good and bad. But we are looking forward to getting on with life. So , yes, I think you can say that we are excited .

I: Guys , thank you so much for the chat. I am sure we will do this again .

No demands

Today is a public Holiday. Voting day.

So let me give you a quick rundown of how my day went before I get to the reason for my post.

05:45 woke up - turned around - sleep
07:15 woke up - turn around - sleep
08:45 woke - excessive pressure in the bladder regions - ...... - make coffee
09:00 - read
10:15 - get out of bed dress - go to coffee shop with a book in hand , hoping to just read thru rest of the day - coffee shop full- turn around - go visit Anton.
Somewhere in between we went to the coffee shop... - and voted.... - and went back to his place. Then all of a sudden I got a bee in my bonnet and left.

Went to Neville's place. They were on their way to visit someone we know and invited me a long. An idea I really balked at . Then they reminded me that we had a home group meeting tonight. Another idea I balked at.

And I wondered : Why am I kicking against these things ? So I had to stop and think about my day.

And I realized that today , all day long , I was very carefree. I did what I wanted. I made no plans for the day and had no expectations for the day. And that was why I bolted from Anton's. When he started making demands on my care free day and time. The same happened when Sandy asked if I wanted to join them . It placed demands on me that I did not want. So did going to homegroup. It was something I did not plan on doing and thus placed demands on me.

I realize that I have had many days like these. Days were I just want to do my own thing or actually nothing at all. Days where I do not have or want responsibility . Days where I kick against plans and demands. Days where I can just let life go me by, as long as it leaves me alone and not interfere with my unplanned and empty day.

I realize that most people would blame me for wasting a day. For doing nothing productive. And you know what - I do not care. I need these times of waste. Of doing nothing and just letting life go by. Times of just vegetating. I wonder if any one will understand that ?

I doubt.

EDIT : I just realized something....

I just realized that I am in survival mode. I take one day at a time. I do not plan ahead. I just let the days go by with the minimum hassle. And I do this because in some strange way it allows me to go through each day without having to cope with a lot of things. Without having to cope with being lonely, or not knowing where I am supposed to be going with my life.
By just going through the routine every day I can cope with my job that is just a another unexciting job. With my little house that is empty. With having to hold my pillows instead of another human being while I fall asleep at night.

It is as if I am just waiting for time to go by. So that when enough time has gone by , I can get up and go on with my life.

Botanical Gardens

I had a nice picnic with Christelle in Bloem over the Easter weekend. Oh . sorry ! did I Forget to mention that I went to Bloem for the weelend ?. ok. I did.

Any way.

While we were there I had the chance to use my camera again.

Here are two of the visitors that we had under our trees :

Questions

I sit an stare at this empty screen.
I wonder what I should say and write.
Should I be honest ?
Should I be that honest ?

Or is there some things that one does not say ,
does not share ?
How do I put this turmoil of mind into words ?
How do I explain this ache ? This need?
How do I share what is on my mind ?
How do I make you see ? Make you understand ?

Is it wrong ?

This ache ?

This longing ?

This need to love ?

And to be loved ?

Just to say.....

I am still around. I have just not had anything profound to say recently. I am surviving in the office. Actually , I am not hating my job anymore. I would not say that I love it, but at least it is bearable. And the boss has been fairly nice to me in that he has booked me on two drives in the past two weeks as well.

Last Saturday's I am not allowed to talk about.

But yesterday's drive I am. I had the privilege to drive the new Golf 6 from Uitenhage to Graaff Reinett and back. Total trip millage 560km. The Golf had all the bells and whistles. With a 1.4 TSi motor that delivered 118Kw !!!! 118Kw from a 1400 ????? Amazing. That, coupled to a 6sp manual gearbox made for some real nice driving and preformance. Great fun !!!

I will be going to visit my friends and loved ones in Bloem for easter. I need to sing in the worship group on Wednesday evening and then I will hit the road early Thursday morning. That should put me in Bloem before midday Thursday. I am so looking forward to that.

So then , I am alive. I am around. And when I do have something profound to share , I promise to do just that.

;o)