No demands

Today is a public Holiday. Voting day.

So let me give you a quick rundown of how my day went before I get to the reason for my post.

05:45 woke up - turned around - sleep
07:15 woke up - turn around - sleep
08:45 woke - excessive pressure in the bladder regions - ...... - make coffee
09:00 - read
10:15 - get out of bed dress - go to coffee shop with a book in hand , hoping to just read thru rest of the day - coffee shop full- turn around - go visit Anton.
Somewhere in between we went to the coffee shop... - and voted.... - and went back to his place. Then all of a sudden I got a bee in my bonnet and left.

Went to Neville's place. They were on their way to visit someone we know and invited me a long. An idea I really balked at . Then they reminded me that we had a home group meeting tonight. Another idea I balked at.

And I wondered : Why am I kicking against these things ? So I had to stop and think about my day.

And I realized that today , all day long , I was very carefree. I did what I wanted. I made no plans for the day and had no expectations for the day. And that was why I bolted from Anton's. When he started making demands on my care free day and time. The same happened when Sandy asked if I wanted to join them . It placed demands on me that I did not want. So did going to homegroup. It was something I did not plan on doing and thus placed demands on me.

I realize that I have had many days like these. Days were I just want to do my own thing or actually nothing at all. Days where I do not have or want responsibility . Days where I kick against plans and demands. Days where I can just let life go me by, as long as it leaves me alone and not interfere with my unplanned and empty day.

I realize that most people would blame me for wasting a day. For doing nothing productive. And you know what - I do not care. I need these times of waste. Of doing nothing and just letting life go by. Times of just vegetating. I wonder if any one will understand that ?

I doubt.

EDIT : I just realized something....

I just realized that I am in survival mode. I take one day at a time. I do not plan ahead. I just let the days go by with the minimum hassle. And I do this because in some strange way it allows me to go through each day without having to cope with a lot of things. Without having to cope with being lonely, or not knowing where I am supposed to be going with my life.
By just going through the routine every day I can cope with my job that is just a another unexciting job. With my little house that is empty. With having to hold my pillows instead of another human being while I fall asleep at night.

It is as if I am just waiting for time to go by. So that when enough time has gone by , I can get up and go on with my life.