The Mission trip to Mosambique

Two posts in one day ! Yep , believe it.

On top of my previous post I need to post this one.

Our church is planning a mission trip into Mozambique again ( they have done so once every two years or so since 1999). Now I believe that I am supposed to go on this trip. Apart from a school mission trip into Lesotho , I have not done something like this before. I do believe that I can serve the Lord on this trip , even if only with my photography skills to come and tell the story more clearly back home.

Now the costs of this trip would be about R4500 . That is about a whole month's pay for me. And as I have said in the previous post , it is not as if I have any spare cash lying around to pay for this.

And so , what it boils down to is this: If God wants me on this trip , and I hope He does, then He will have to find a huge rabbit to pull out of a hat. Because I am willing to go. I want to go. But I can not afford it. As it is , going will will cost me about 7 days in unpaid leave. Or to put it bluntly , it will mean that I will receive a quarter less pay at the end of the month of that mission trip.

And so I ask this of you my friends, readers and fellow bloggers. Pray with me that God's will be done. Pray that He who has infinite resources available , will make a way for me to go on this trip. And pray for the trip. That the work and service and love of the people going will be to His honor and Glory , and will further and solidify His kingdom here in our corner of the world.

The Question .continued....

Ok. So what on earth was all that about ??

Maybe , for those who do not know me, a quick background. I grew up in a town called Bloemfontein. In my married years I have moved with my wife (then a probationary minister in the Methodist Church) from Bloemfontein to Centurion. Then Macassar , near Cape Town. Then Bloemfontein again. Then , after getting very hurt in the congregation in Bloemfontein, we moved to Uitenhage. Now apart from the fact that our marriage of 10 years ended in divorce in Uitenhage , the place was actually very good to both of us. My (ex) wife has since moved to Cape Town where, I am happy to say , she is very happy. I have stayed around in Uitenhage and started to work for VW as an endurance test driver. A job that I really enjoyed. The only bad thing about the job was that there were times where no work was available and I stayed home. Without pay !

Now in the mean time , the boss needed a PA. And I was the choice , I guess since I knew how to witch on a PC. To be honest, I do not like this new job. In fact the word 'hate' springs to mind. I am not sure how long I will be able to keep up under this strain. The only nice thing about the new job is the fact that I am guaranteed of work every day. Something that I really need, given my precarious financial situation.

Right ! Now to the Question. In the past 3 days I have had 3 people all asking me when I am moving back to Bloemfontein. I have been avoiding that question , but it seems that God wants me to deal with it.

For a reason I can not explain I have been kicking very hard against going back to Bloem. I think that I need to list the pros and cons of Bloem here.

Cons

• I have gotten very hurt in Bloem
• Bloem is very far from the ocean - something I have come to love.
• Bloem is very far from my wonderful Uitenhage friends
• I am going to miss my church
• I do not know where I will join a church in Bloem. I do not trust any of the 2 Methodist churches there.
  
• There is not much to do as far as outdoor experiences are concerned.
  

Pros

• I have very good friends in Bloem
• I can have a clean start without the 'stigma' of being recently divorced.
• I have a chance of getting a job that I like.
• There may be some one special for me in Bloem

I need to find God's will in this. Where does He want me to go ? I wish I knew what He wanted me to do with my life. Because I honestly have no idea.

I do know this: If I go to my boss and tell him that I am resigning and moving to Bloem he will give birth to seven little kittens with rubber necks on his desk.

The Question now is .....

c - South African Tourism

The big question.

I will post more details later. But for now this will have to do.

I need to go and pray and ask God about this one.

Another day , another mood.

Thank you to all who commented and worried and phoned me after my very negative post yesterday.

I maybe need make one thing clear - I know that God is always with me. Even in my deepest despair yesterday was I not unaware of His presence in my life .




I think that what got to me yesterday was a sense of hopelessness . I do not know what God is planning for my life and I do not understand why things happen in my life. And that is something I do not handle well. If I know why something is happening or what the plan for a certain event is , then I am quite happy to go through loads of nonsense in order to get to the end result. I could not see where my life is going. I saw all the negative things and all the things that to me looked so big and I forgot that I serve a God who is not limited to my limitations .

I guess I need to remember James 1 : 2-5

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Especially since I have been asking God for wisdom and understanding so I can know His will for my life.

I consider myself rapped over the knuckles !

Today , I am curious . I can not wait to see where God is going with my life. And yes , I am also impatient !!!! I wish He would do things now.

And then I stop and I realize.:" But He is doing things now !" He is doing things in my life. And in my friends lives. And it excites me so !!

Question : Do we serve an AWESOME God , or what ??!!

and 19:43 ..

I just thought that after that whole post this morning and my moaning about my job, that it is only fair that I come back and comment some at the end of this day.

I was really really tired . And what a whacker of a day I had. Never a still moment. But ....

I need to be honest. I actually feel better about the job. I feel a bit more in control of what is happening and I nearly enjoyed doing it. It was a real busy day and I had to keep going.

And the fact that my boss went to the trouble, of bringing the lady who I am replacing down from Pretoria to help show me the ropes, helped a lot because I did not need to ask him for help or advice on every little thing.

So ! I am sure that My heavenly Daddy had hand in this day and helped me to face it. And I am thankful.

Now if only He would answer my other questions !!

But I guess , all in good time.

05:46 in the morning

It is quarter to six on this beautiful Tuesday morning, and I find myself in front of my PC again. I have just come back from cycling with my friend Neville aka Mcgyver. I really enjoy these early morning cycling sessions , but I do find that I pay the price for them as well. The thing is that in order to go cycling before work I need to get up at 4:30.

Now that in itself is not a problem. Especially if you go to bed at 20:00 like my dad. But.... The problem is that I don't. Even if I go to bed at 22:00 I find myself rolling around and being very awake till at least 00:30. And that leaves me with 4 hours of sleep a night. Which for me is way too little.

I find , that without enough sleep, I become irritable and depressed. I do not cope well with things in my life.

Like my new job. I have been moved from having to drive for 8 hours a day to having to sit in an office and do filing and excel spreadsheets for 8 hours. And I do not enjoy it. Which makes me feel guilty.

I know (and have been told by my mother) that I am intelligent. That I have a brain capable of solving problems and getting jobs done. I have proven that yesterday by redesigning one of our spreadsheets and effectively cutting my workload by 35%. And all of this makes me feel guilty for preferring a mindless driving job above something challenging.

In a couple of days there will be more cars running and enough work for everyone andI will be stuck in an office. I just wish I could see God's plan for me in all of this.

Maybe I need to get more sleep. Then I will probably cope better. And blogger will get less posts out of me. And I would not post pictures of mice inside snakes, and giggle uncontrollably when I see it.

PS: Sorry about moaning like this. I just had to talk to somebody..... (but that is another post on its own)

PPS : I sure hope my boss never reads this.

Random thoughts

Another day draws to a close as I sit in front of my desk, staring at this empty screen and this keyboard full of dead letters.

Thoughts and emotions tumble through my mind , refusing to be captured and penned down. This frustration with a another meaningless day in the office is underlined by an overwhelming sense of loneliness, punctuated and given meaning when I walk into this empty little space I call home.

What would I give to be able to just hold another human being till this loneliness dissipates. To be allowed to cook for two. To watch Tv or listen to music in silence, just knowing the presence of another beside me.

O what a sweet dream, this dream of companionship and intimacy. This dream that I am not sure I am allowed to have. How I wish that God sent SMS's or telegrams. What if this dream clashes with His will ? If only I could know, could share , in the dreams He has for me. If only I could know that somewhere in the future .......

And so I battle with this fight inside me. This struggle to be content in the now. This struggle to remain positive and wait for His time. I long to know where He needs me to go , and what He needs me to do. I long to know his purpose and dream for my life.

Funny how having a soul mate and serving God , in my mind at least, seems directly opposed. But it is. It always has been in my life. This battle between 'seek ye first the Kingdom' and this overwhelming need to love and be loved.

Pray for me . Pray that I will find His will and His answers. Pray for me as I seek his plan for my life . As I try to understand. As I battle through each day in the office. And as I strive to place Him first in my heart and my life.

Leviticus .......

My friend Steven has written a post about Leviticus on his blog.

And like Steven I have a similar one year Bible. And this morning I read this passage that knocked my socks off.

3 " 'If you follow my decrees and are careful to obey my commands, 4 I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit. 5 Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.

6 " 'I will grant peace in the land, and you will lie down and no one will make you afraid. I will remove savage beasts from the land, and the sword will not pass through your country. 7 You will pursue your enemies, and they will fall by the sword before you. 8 Five of you will chase a hundred, and a hundred of you will chase ten thousand, and your enemies will fall by the sword before you.

9 " 'I will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase your numbers, and I will keep my covenant with you. 10 You will still be eating last year's harvest when you will have to move it out to make room for the new. 11 I will put my dwelling place [a] among you, and I will not abhor you. 12 I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people. 13 I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high.

What more can I say !!!!! What a promise !

This tension of the soul

Today I am forced to blog from my cell phone again. I do not like blogging from my phone since the buttons are too small and I can not pound out my frustration and aggression on this small keyboard.

To get to the title of this post. I find myself torn between doing (and finding God's will) and doing what I would like to do or think that I need.

I really , really need to find and do God's will in my life. And I find it so very difficult to know and find His will. And somewhere in this whole mix is my sexuality. My need for love and acceptance and intamacy. Not sex. Just intamacy. A sense of belonging. Of selfworth.

The problem is that it is so much easier to experience love and acceptance and intamacy from a fellow human being than it is to experience this from God. For me in any case. But i realize that before I do not experience and accept this from God , I will never be able to fully experience this from another human.

And so I am torn between my needs and God's will.

I wanted to call this post 'torn', but that would have implied damage and hurt and pain. And I realized that that would not be entirely true. Whilst I am living in this tension I am not getting hurt or damaged.

In this tension I grow. In this tension I learn. It is difficult. And lonely. But I believe that through this , I will grow closer to God. And that I will grow stronger. And I realize that ultimately that is what I need.

God's Clown

This morning I was stunned at how God used a clown to speak to me and Alet. We know this clown and after his show I went up to speak to him. When we made to leave he walked with us with the words "I just want to bless your wife"

And then while speaking to us he made this balloon flower and gave it to Alet whilst writing on the leaf :Luke 12:24. Me and Alet both had to swallow hard to stop the tears. Not that I think that he knew or noticed. But today God used a clown to speak to us.

And so while he spoke to us/her he quoted these words :

22 Then turning to his disciples, Jesus said, "So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life--whether you have enough food to eat or clothes to wear.
23 For life consists of far more than food and clothing.
24 Look at the ravens. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds!
25 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not!
26 And if worry can't do little things like that, what's the use of worrying over bigger things?
27 "Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.
28 And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and gone tomorrow, won't he more surely care for you? You have so little faith!
29 And don't worry about food--what to eat and drink. Don't worry whether God will provide it for you.
30 These things dominate the thoughts of most people, but your Father already knows your needs.

Luke 12: 22 - 30

Now I know that Alet and I took away different things from this encounter. I will not comment on her side as I know that she will do so on her blog , but I will tell of my experience.

I was amazed that someone can be so in tune with God that God can use them to give us this message. I was stunned by the fact that God used this man and this flower to speak to us. And I was so touched by the love and care in this clown's voice while he spoke to us.

Today I met a clown and a man who lives close to God.