The Church and the People

Maybe it is time that I voice some thoughts that have been floating in my mind for a while now. Whilst Steven and Jenny's posts about same sex relationships and Eclessia de Lange's disciplinary hearing were the triggers for this post , it is not about Eclessia or the church and same sex relationships that I want to comment. Well , not directly anyway.

As I stated on my facebook status earlier today I have often wondered who made the church to be judge , jury and executioner ? Why is it that the church (I am speaking about the broader church and not a local congregation) thinks that it is it's job to judge and condemn people. Why is it that the church thinks that it is it's job to decide what is right and wrong and is acceptable for a child of God to do or not ?

In my surfing of the web and the blogs I have come across many people who are Christians. With similar values as myself. People who have good solid relationships with God. But who do not go to church. The churches are leaking members like a sieve . Because instead of being a place where grace and mercy is revealed and preached to all, the church has set itself up as watch dog and policeman over its members.

Why is it that in so many cases the church weighs up 'grace' against 'law' ? Why is grace and law posed as polar opposites ? I thought that God's grace , through Jesus Christ has come to fulfill the law. Not to stand against it.

Matthew 12:7 says :"⁷If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice,^' you would not have condemned the innocent."

 I wonder if the church realizes that more and more people are getting disillusioned with the church and leaving.  Please note: They are getting disillusioned with the church - not God.

Are we as a church one day going to stand guilty before God because we set up rules and regulations for people to follow instead of setting examples of how to live as Christians in a sinful world ? Are we going to stand guilty because we made people jump through all kinds off hoops before we allowed them into God's grace ?

Are we going to stand guilty because as a church we said things like : "We can not baptize a child born to a single mother."
" God can not love gay people - first repent and become straight - then God will love you"
" We can not bury this member of your family because his/her tithes are not paid up"

I have heard all of the above examples from churches that I have had dealings with.

The church has appointed itself as the guardian over morals and values and right and wrong , instead of doing what it was called to do. To proclaim God's Love , and Grace and Mercy to ALL sinners.

But , I guess it is easier to lay down rules and regulations and to create religious hoops for people to jump through than it is to live a daily example of Godly Love and Grace.

I am still here

More than a month since my last post.

Really do not have much to say. I saw my son over the holidays and it was very nice. Got to spend some really nice time with him. Apart from that , every thing else is pretty mundane and same old , same old. I am still alive.

Still alive

Believe it or not , but I am still alive.

I do however not have much to say. Waiting for the year to end.

Now that I think of it. I have one comment to make about the last while.

Last night I attended a Carrols by candlelight service. I must say , I was  actually looking forward to going and singing some Christmas Carrols .  I was really disappointed. Now firstly , the difference between a concert and leading worship is that I believe that during worship people must be able to hear themselves sing. At last night's service the music was overpoweringly loud. Those who know me will know that  I have a very strong voice , but last night , no matter what I did the music as too loud to hear myself. And I sat in the last row !!!!

The other thing that really got to me was the fact that the worship team thought that the best way for everything to fit into the allotted time frame was for them to sing really really FAST! Which meant that we sang songs like 'Hark the Herald angels sing' at double time.

The message from the minister was good and to the point , but some of the other 'items' in last nights program left much to be desired.

At this point , I am not prepared to go to next years event.

Birthdays

In a couple of days I will be having passing suffering surviving come face to face with my birthday. And whilst I am generally quite happy and content with my life at the moment , I can not help feeling a little depressed when I think about it.

You see , in a couple of days I turn 33. And compared to other 33 year old people I know , I have very little to show for my 33 years on earth. And 'yes' I know , I shouldn't compare my life to that of others, and normally I couldn't give a rats arse. But just sometimes, I do.

And so knowing what I do , I have to answer two questions for myself :

Would I have still married Alet ?  Yes.
Would I have made the same financial decisions ?  No. 'Cause maybe , if I made better financial decisions both me and Alet (and by implication - my son) would have been in a better place to continue our lives after the divorce.

All I can do for now , is try to make better decisions and hope that some day things will work out ok.

And maybe,  until that 'someday' , I can ignore birthdays and just let them go by quietly.

A girl in my room

Last night , as I walked into my room , I found a very sexy girlie in my room. She had very nice long legs (although she could have shaved them a bit) , and a real curvy body. So , I asked her to stick around till morning so she can pose for some pics for me.

So this morning I took her outside and fired of some pics before graciously allowing her to take that sexy body elsewhere.

From what I could learn on the net she is called a Rain spider, or sometimes a Wolf Spider.  Her bite is not deadly , but will make you sit up and take notice with some localized swelling and discomfort for a couple of days. She eats insects and even small geckos once in while.  In South Africa they are commonly known as Rain Spiders due to their tendency to seek shelter inside human dwellings before it rains. So , Maybe we are lucky an she came to announce a rainy spell for our dried out part of the world.

Some pics :

Close call

This afternoon I developed a lot more respect for the ocean. Which , to be Honest, is just a polite way of saying that I very nearly drowned.

But wait , Let us start this story at a proper place. Like the begining for instance.

This morning was extremely hot and Humid here in Uitenhage and Myself Neville and Chris decided to go snorkeling at Sardinia bay this afternoon.  We got there around two and I went to stick my toes into the water . I must say , the water was piss Very cold! But as Neville said , we did not go all the way there just to turn around , and so , like proper Gautengers we donned masks, flippers and snorkels and got going. After the initial shock of the cold water I started to enjoy the swim and suggested that we swim out to the reef (+- 280m from our starting point) . All went well until I found myself in the middle of a fairly strong rip current that made plans to take me out further than I had planned to go .

I panicked fought the current for a while , but all this managed to do was to make me real tired. While I was fighting the current 2 big waves crashed over me in succession and knocked my mask and snorkel of my head. Luckily I managed to catch them in time. Eventually I decided to start swimming to the right and to try and make it onto the rocks so I could get my breath and energy ( that was now severely depleted) back. I must be honest, I barely made it. If the current was a little stronger , or the rocks a little farther away , I would have had to post this blog from heaven. But , by the grace of God , I made it onto the rocks with only some small dings and scratches for my trouble. Unfortunately , by this time I was completely drained of all of my energy and I just could not see myself swimming the 250 meters back to shore.

But thanks to God , I have a really great friend who deals with problems like a true McGyver. And so Neville got back into the water and swam to shore to go and fetch a boogie board. Then he and a stranger swam all the back to bring me the board , and then swam with me back to shore.

So, what have I learnt from all of this ?

1. Never underestimate the sea and its power
2. Never over estimate your own strength and fitness
3. It is very easy to drown. Scarily easy.
   
4. Do not panic. I allowed myself to get panicked and spent a lot of energy fighting the current and the waves, where if I had stayed calm and continued to swim in a normal snorkel style I would have spent far less energy and reached the rocks with energy to spare.
5. I am not nearly as fit as I thought  - and I need to get more excersize on a regular basis.
   
6. I have good friends who will go to great lengths to help me. Neville swam a bloody long distance to help me and Chris stuck with me all the time to make sure I am ok.

So , Thank you Father for Keeping me safe. Thank you for keeping my friends safe. Thank you for friends who are there when things go pear shaped. Amen

To Boldly go again ..

Drove down Elandsriver road again. This time with Neville and Sandy. Stopped at Sand-rivier dam.  here are some pics from the trip.

Inside of what I suspect to be a filter station at Sandrivier dam

The Sand river Dam wall

A Pump stattion at the sand rivier dam wall

View from the dam wall

One of the bickers on the road - on the way back from Baviaanskloof.

To boldly go where I have'nt gone before

On Saturday morning I was on my way to go and take photos of the Van Stadens bridge from the flower reserve when I drove past 'Uncle Freddies' and the turn off to Elandsrivier. And having always wondered where the Elandsrivier road goes, I turned right and followd the road for what would turn out to be about a hundred kilometers of glorious views in the mist and rain.

I had my Camera with me but in the end I took very view pictures. Mostly because of the rain and mist , but also because I realized that no photo will ever be able to do the scenery justice. I had a wonderful time and really enjoyed myself. In the afternoon I ended up at Paul and Helena where we had coffee before taking their dog , Milo, to Schoenmakerskop to go and play on the beach.

I must admit that after this trip I have now used all of the petrol I had available for the rest of the month, but... it was worth it.

The only way the trip could have been better would have been if I could do it on a Honda Transalp or Africa Twin.  sigh......

Maybe one day.

This weekend

This Sunday afternoon I had lunch with Paul and Helena. We had a lovely time and had fantastic Lamb that Paul grilled on a rottesserie on his braai and Potatoes , rice , vegies and pudding that Helena prepared.

I had a great time with them. After lunch Paul took us for a drive and we ended up at the Van Stadens river Flower Reserve. I did not have my camera with me and had to take this pic with my cell phone. But I promised myself that I will go back soon and go and take some proper pics.

Love

What a word ?! One of those words that have so many meanings. A word that evokes so many responses and emotions. And a word that I feel the need to blog about. The problem is that I run the risk of hurting people that are close and important to me.

So let us get past the disclaimer first. This post is not intended to hurt or to make anyone feel guilty or worried. This post is there purely to enable me to work through some thoughts and maybe help people understand what is going on in my mind.

Ok , so let me dive right in. I have been married for 10 years. And at the beginning of the year me and Alet got divorced. But while we were married I really loved Alet. In fact, I loved her so much that I often feared that God would take her away from me because I loved her too much. Now, whether I actually managed to convey my love to her in a manner that she could understand , believe and accept, that I am not sure of. But the fact remains that I loved her.

And then , one day , we got divorced.  And now , I find myself with questions when it comes to loving.

Did I love her too much ? Did God take her away becuase I loved her too much ?

If the answer to the above questions is 'No', then I have other questions: Will I be able to ever love another person like I loved her? Will God allow me to love someone else like that?

If I have to be honest , then I need to admit that , at the moment, I am scared to love again. While I long for companionship and love and intimacy , I am scared to love again. Or pursue love again.  But I guess that time heals all wounds.

So I will hang in there.. And maybe one day  I will have answers to my questions.

Update

OK. Some time has passed since my last blog. And while I am brewing and chewing on some new blog posts I have not got any thing really significant to say.

I have had a very nice long weekend with Christelle who came visit all the way from Bloemfontein. I am very proud of her for having the guts to drive all the way here and back alone. Especially since this was her first solo long trip. Also proud of her for making the choice to move out of her mother's house and into her own little place. I think that is something that should have happened a very long time ago.

Today I was thrown in the deep end when I was tasked with training the new endurance drivers at work. I think that things went ok and that they learned as much as I could teach them in one day.

I have been chewing on two blogs that may or may not actually see the light of blogspace. Will see how that turns out.

Christelle has given me a book to read called 'Conversations with God' by N.D.Walsch.  I found it quite surprising to see how quickly my 'spirit' rebelled against what I was reading. About 3 pages into the book I was uncomfortable with the thoughts and 'theology' behind the book.  The further I read , the more I became convinced that Mr. Walsch was a) not a Christian and b) had the cat by the tail. A lot of what he writes centers around the teachings of the New Age movement.  I went to the trouble of google-ing the book and came across a couple of christian websites who had the info I needed. I am afraid that I will not be reading the book any further.

Makes me feel slightly guilty , actually, as this is second book that poor Christelle gave me to read that I did not agree with. (the other one , a book by Joel Osteen. Seems my Theology and Joel's does not agree either.)

So.... that is my life in a nutshell at the moment.

Sunrise 17/09/2009

Thank you Father for another day. One more day to live and learn.
Thank you for a sunrise. Thank you for the glow of light breaking through the clouds.
Thank you that Winter turns to Spring. And Spring to Summer.
Thank you that Seasons change, and hearts heal.

Crowned Plover Chicks

I went to the VW test track on Thursday with Neville to go and take some photographs of the recently hatched crowned plover chicks. For Afrikaans speaking people - a Plover is a "Kiewiet" in Afrikaans. A name I am sure they received from the sound they make when frightened or in flight .

Phillip Tunnel, Hankey

Today , Neville , Sandy , Captain Tupperware and I went for a Sunday afternoon drive and ended up at a place called Phillip Tunnel.

Here is a little bit of info on the tunnel as I could find on Baviaans.net.

William Philip, son of Dr John Philip head of the London Missionary Society in South Africa, studied surveying in Cape Town from 1834 to 1836. Later he trained as a missionary in Britain and in 1841 he returned to the mission station at Hankey.

At the time Hankey was experiencing a serious water shortage, Philip therefore examined the site and discovered that he could lead water out of the Gamtoos River onto the settlement's farm-lands. This would, however, involve the construction of a tunnel through the cliff which, for those times, was a formidable undertaking.

Philip and his Hottentot labourers started digging in 1843 and within little more than a year they had completed a tunnel of 228m long.

This tunnel has been declared a national monument and the commemoration plaque was unveiled on the same day as the opening of the Kouga Dam. The tunnel is no longer in use.

and 2 pics of me and Neville playing with my Camera and Multi exposure flash techniques.

Opstaan

I was browsing back through old blog posts. Both my own and Alet's. And I came across this post that she made nearly a year ago :

"mag jy mooi wees as die lelik verby is
en jy sag kyk na elke harde tyd
mag jy bly wees as die huil verby is
en jy vrede he na die stryd

verkeerde goed kom more weer reg
en die wyn is soet na die bitter en sleg

mag jy opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
mag jy huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter los vir die son

en mag jy droom, mag jy ook vergeet
en op plekke woon wat van horisonne weet

jy kan opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
jy kan huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter lost vir die son"

- opstaan ; Koos van der Merwe (Lid van die musik groep Prophet)

I am back

What an absolutely stunning weekend I have had.

Left for Stormsriver mouth around 9:30 on Saturday and arrived at my campsite by 11:30. Set up my tent and trailer and just relaxed.

Got some very nice pics of the wildlife and the scenery.

Drove back this morning and on impulse turned of the Main highway and took the R102 home. Nice scenery and not a car on the road. I will blog later about the things I have thought about and learned about myself this weekend. But not now. For more of the photos I took while I was away feel free to visit my webpage galleries.

Stormsriver mouth

Tonight I am blogging from my cellphone. As I have mentioned before , blogging from my phone is not something i particularly like, but tonight I will do so gladly.

You see, for tonight and tomorrow night, I am sleeping in my tent in the Tsitsikamma national park. I must say that this is due , in no small part, to friends who love me and care for me and have supplied money for me to be here.

I am very gratefull to them !

And so , tonight , I sit and I watch and listen to the ocean. And I praise God for who He is.

That longing feeling......

There is a struggle in me for the last while that I feel the need to place on paper webspace. Due, in part, to the need I have to share my struggle but also due to the fact that verbalising my thought may help me clarify some things for myself.

This post may not make a lot of sense and will probably not be very coherent. Please bear with me as I wrestle through this.

To get to the point.

From since puberty hit me and girls became something else than irritating , giggling things to be ignored , I have had a need (a longing, if you will) to have girlfriend. To have a person in my life that I could love and hold and share that special closeness with. Up to about my 21st birthday I never really had a girlfriend. O how I longed for a girlfriend ! How I longed to also have someone special in my life to love and to hold.

I am guessing that this was/is part of what it means to be a sexual being. The capacity to be attracted to someone , to fall in love , and to love is what defines our sexuality.

Now , being a Christian , and having been raised in a Christian home and Church , I have obviously come in contact with the church's view and opinions on sex and sexuality. And if we have to be honest then the chucrh's view and opnion was usually one of 'Don't!!'

Don't look. Don't touch. Don't enjoy. Don't mention. Don't acknowledge. Don't deal with it. Don't talk about it.

The church has either shied away from dealing with sexuality or has shoved it's head in the sand with an attitude that said ' If we ignore it , it will go away!'. And so , In my mind and I believe many other's , the idea formed that Christianity and Sexuality did not mix. You could be a Christian , or a sexual being , but if you were a Christian and (admitted to be) a sexual being you were sinning.

The problem is that human sexuality will not be denied. It is a part of how God created us. This means that many good, God fearing people , live with a guilt complex about their sexuality. I find that I long for someone to love and hold. And then I feel so guilty about it. Becuase all of the things I heard in my youth comes back to me. Things like : God should be your all. God should fill the void in you. God's love for you is enough.

Maybe I even sprouted some of that nonsense to other people . I hope not. But if I did I am really sorry. Because in the last few months I have learnt that going home to an empty house or getting into an empty bed, sucks. The longing for closeness and human touch and contact is so strong that when an old lady in a prayer meeting rubbed my hand while she was in thought the other day , I nearly broke down and sobbed like a child.

So , I think this post needs to deal with two things. Firstly , I believe that the church needs to wake up and change it's attitude towards sexuality. We need to realise that human beings are sexual beings. We need to stop condeming people about their sexuality and start to help them to develop and nurture their sexuality to the glory of God.

Secondly , I need to deal with the guilt I feel towards my longing for intemacy and closeness to another human being. Maybe I need to learn that it is normal and ok to want to love and be loved.

Pray for me as I walk on this journey while I try to find God's plan and will for my life. And as I sometimes battle these feelings of loneliness and guilt.

Snakes and Ladders and Mental barriers

I have never been very fond of board games. One game I never really liked was 'snakes and ladders'. While it was nice to be able to move my pip up the ladder I hated it when I had to move back down a snake. Sometimes way down - all the way to the beginning.

Isn't it strange how in a marriage you can become so used to your partner? What ? You have never felt that ? Is it only me ?

Ok. Sorry.

I realize that over the 10 years or our marriage I have become very used to Alet. Her way of thinking and doing. Her humor and passions. Her way of looking at things and reacting. And in that state of being 'used to' your partner you become complacent.

Up to today, Alet has not been a significant part of my life for just more than eight months.

Now , let me be honest. I long for somebody to hold and cuddle and put my arms around when I lie in bed at night. I long to love and to share my life. And I long to be loved. To be held and cared for and to feel special and accepted.

But somewhere between this longing and the fulfillment of that longing lies a mental barrier. A barrier that says - you have to start again. You have to learn to love and care and trust again. You have to start all the way back at the beginning.

That same mental barrier is made up of a question also. A question that says - Is it worth it ? Is it really worth it to love and care and trust again ?

Will it be worth it ? I am sure it will. Will I get past this barrier of being scared to get hurt again? I am sure I will . At some point.

If this post is a little confusing and unstructured , please excuse me. This is something that I am still working out in my mind. And I find that blogging sometimes helps me to organize my thoughts.

You.

I have loved you. Absolutely.
But I did not show my love the way I should have.
I have loved you . With all my Heart.
But when things did not work out. Did not make sense :
I became selfish and self centered.

Today I wondered; If one day, people will understand ?
That the best way for me to show my love was to set you free.
To not hold on. To allow you to be the woman you were made to be.
What, would more selfishness have brought ?

I pray that you will find contentment, and peace.
And Love.
I pray that you will love, and be loved.
Fully you. And fully alive.
I pray that you will be allowed to be you.
The real you.

Fireproof

Last night I watched a movie called "fireproof".

Here is a description of the movie - shamelessly copied from the fireproof website.

At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter's adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules.

Growing up, Catherine Holt always dreamed of marrying a loving, brave firefighter...just like her daddy. Now, after seven years of marriage, Catherine wonders when she stopped being "good enough" for her husband.

Regular arguments over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to move on to something with more sparks.

As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb's father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment: "The Love Dare." Wondering if it's even worth the effort, Caleb agrees-for his father's sake more than for his marriage. When Caleb discovers the book's daily challenges are tied into his parents' new found faith, his already limited interest is further dampened.

While trying to stay true to his promise, Caleb becomes frustrated time and again. He finally asks his father, "How am I supposed to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?"

When his father explains that this is the love Christ shows to us, Caleb makes a life-changing commitment to love God. And with God's help he begins to understand what it means to truly love his wife.

But is it too late to fireproof his marriage? His job is to rescue others. Now Caleb Holt is ready to face his toughest job ever...rescuing his wife's heart.

» Read More About FIREPROOF.

I couldn't help but wonder if things would have worked out differently if I had been a better husband . And I realize that it probably would not have. But I am still very, very sorry for the pain and hurt that I caused Alet in the years that we have been married. I realize that I did not do a very good biblical job of showing the love I had for her. But love her , I did! I am sorry for not having shown it the way I should have.

And so , I find other questions queing up to be noticed : .... Would I actually learn from my mistakes and do a better job of it if I get a second chance at marriage one day? Would I actually get a second chance ? or was this it ? Either way , I do not regret the 10 years of marriage that I have had. I do regret not being a better husband though.

;-|

Sundays River

I took this shot on the way home from visiting my brother on Tuesday. Must be honest , I am not completely sure that I like it. But if nothing else - it shows that I went to go visit my brother and had a good time on the public holiday.

Moonrise over the road to Swartkops

Photography

Shark rock Pier

I actually picked up my camera again and took some photos !!! Can you believe it ??