This tension of the soul

Today I am forced to blog from my cell phone again. I do not like blogging from my phone since the buttons are too small and I can not pound out my frustration and aggression on this small keyboard.

To get to the title of this post. I find myself torn between doing (and finding God's will) and doing what I would like to do or think that I need.

I really , really need to find and do God's will in my life. And I find it so very difficult to know and find His will. And somewhere in this whole mix is my sexuality. My need for love and acceptance and intamacy. Not sex. Just intamacy. A sense of belonging. Of selfworth.

The problem is that it is so much easier to experience love and acceptance and intamacy from a fellow human being than it is to experience this from God. For me in any case. But i realize that before I do not experience and accept this from God , I will never be able to fully experience this from another human.

And so I am torn between my needs and God's will.

I wanted to call this post 'torn', but that would have implied damage and hurt and pain. And I realized that that would not be entirely true. Whilst I am living in this tension I am not getting hurt or damaged.

In this tension I grow. In this tension I learn. It is difficult. And lonely. But I believe that through this , I will grow closer to God. And that I will grow stronger. And I realize that ultimately that is what I need.