Sundays River

I took this shot on the way home from visiting my brother on Tuesday. Must be honest , I am not completely sure that I like it. But if nothing else - it shows that I went to go visit my brother and had a good time on the public holiday.

Moonrise over the road to Swartkops

Photography

Shark rock Pier

I actually picked up my camera again and took some photos !!! Can you believe it ??

Time to take my stand.

My best friend, of the last 13 odd years, is gay. It wasn't something she decided to be one day. It wasn't a choice she made or lifestyle she liked. In fact for the last 10 years she tried so very hard to be a normal wife in a normal family.

She is also a Christian. a Follower of Jesus and a woman deeply devoted to God. For 10 years she tried her level best to be a good 'straight' christian wife , and live a normal heterosexual life. But eventually the pressures of living a life of lies got too much. Not being able to be who she was created to be , was slowly killing her. And it was killing me. And so at the end of 2008 we got divorced.

I still love and respect her deeply as a friend and as the mother of my child. And I wish for her all the best that life has to offer. I wish for her joy and happiness and love and peace. I realize that the path before her will not be an easy one. And so , for the little that it is worth, to her and fellow gay or lesbian people , I need to take a stand.

The church is so fond of saying :"love the sinner, but hate the sin". And, though I do not believe that being gay is a sin, I would like to follow this line of thought for a short while.

Jesus said something about loving people . He said "Love your neighbor as yourself".

So let me go with this for a while. As a human being I wish a couple of things for myself. Things like : health, a place to stay, friends, food, love....

Let us look at that one quickly. Love.... I wish for myself someone whom I can love and who can love me. A soul mate. My other half.

I do not want to grow old all alone. I do not want to be celibate. I want to have a soul mate , a lover, a partner. Yes , I want to enjoy the intimacy of sex. So how on earth can I wish these things for myself , yet turn around and say to Alet - you are not allowed to have these things.

I think that it is very, very easy for the church to stand at a distance and say "love the sinner, hate the sin". It is a lot more difficult to say this if it is to the face of some one you love and care for like a son , a daughter or a close friend.

I am convinced that for most gay / lesbian people , being gay was never a choice. It is the way they were born. How can I tell them that the way they were created is wrong. Is a sin. Is not good enough for God.

And so , I say this to any church that sprouts the gay is a sin slogan: You are wrong ! And I will not enter or be part of a church that supports that opinion.

I realize that there is a lot more to this debate , and it was never my intention to try and debate all the points, or cover all the issues. But it was my intention to give all who want to know , an insight into my stand on the subject.

This evening's sunset

Speeding

I was stopped for speeding today.

And I honestly thought I would be able to talk myself out of it. Until I saw the speed cop looking at my dog on the back seat.




































PS: I do believe that this image was created for an add for the VW Gti Golf. But I stand to be corrected. Either way , I thought it was brilliant.

Depression

After valiantly ignoring all the signs for as long as I could and calling what I experienced these last few weeks 'survival mode' I came to the conclusion yesterday that I am on the verge of depression.

Having been there before I know that it is a tough and steep hole to get out of. I realized that things are not going well when I stopped a bit to take stock of myself yesterday and found the following :

• I almost welcomed the deep sadness that came over me yesterday. As if when I can not feel any other emotions like joy or happiness then at least I can feel this emotion of sadness. As if any emotion is better than none at all.
• I have no willpower to do anything more than the routine.
  
• I am not interested in doing new things or meeting new people , or even spending time with any one that will make any demands on the limited emotional resources that I have left.
• At times I feel completely and utterly hopeless.
  
• After having lost 3 kgs recently , I gained 5kg in the past 2 weeks.
• I am irritable and emotionally unstable.
• My sleep patterns are up to sh....!
  

And so I admitted all of this to myself. I went to the chemist to go and buy a vitamin B complex booster. I admitted my sorry state to Neville, Graham and Christelle. And I am making a point of tackling at least one issue that needs dealing with every day.

I need to say that things are already going a little better today. In no small measure, I am sure, due to God looking out for me and helping me.

So please pray for me. But also , realize that things are going better already.


PS: there is a couple blog posts brewing in my mind at the moment. And that is a good thing , me thinks!

My son's birthday

Yesterday my son turned 8. And every year bar one I baked the cake for his birthday. So I drove all the way to Cape Town for the weekend to go and visit him and my (ex) wife* and to go and bake him a cake. In this case , a doggie cake.

I had a great weekend. We played with his new toys and built lots of Lego cars. It was nice to see him again after 4 months and it was good to be able to sit down and chat with Alet.

Thanks guys for a nice weekend.

* : I do not like the term ex wife. It has way too many negative connections. The thing is that we are still good friends. And I still care for her. And so she is not the typical Ex. I know that we will always have a soft spot and care for each other.
I do not want people to associate the negative connections with her. So what do I call her?

An interview with : Me, myself and I

I have been privileged to get Me and Myself for an interview recently. The transcript of that interview follows:

I: Welcome guys , and thanks for joining me for this interview.
Myself: Thank you very much . It is great to be here.
Me: Hey , great to be here.

I:Now you have been writing this blog for a while now. As far as this blog is concerned you have been fairly quiet recently compared to a month or so ago. Any reason for that ?
Me: Yes , you know , we find that when it comes to this blog that it happens often that there are quieter times and busier times. It's seems to be a cycle.
Myself: I think it depends on our emotional situation at the time. It would seem that we blog more when things are going tough.

I: So would that mean that you are OK at the moment ?
Myself : Yes , I do think so.

I: Yet , in you last post you mentioned that you are in 'survival mode'. What did you mean by that ?
Me: hmmm, tough question. I think 'survival mode' means that we have to make do with what we've got. The situation is not ideal , but it is not bad either. And so if we had to look at things objectively then it is going ok.
Myself: Let me add: Survival mode in a way forces us to bypass the emotional things a bit. I think it is a bit of a defence mechanism. 'Cause if we had to really delve into the emotions of being alone and all that that entails we would surely end up in a state of depression.
ME: Yes, and having suffered from depression for a number of years it is a place we do our best to avoid.

I: So are you saying that if you were honest that emotionally you are not ok ?
Me: No , not at all. Emotionally we are actually surprisingly OK. But as you know , we do not cope well with being alone. And so we tend to stay away from dwelling on the emotions of being alone for too long.

I: Ok , so what do you see for the future ? There was talk of going into game ranging, or going to Bloem? What are you planning at the moment ?
Myself : The idea at the moment is to move to Bloem by the end of June 2009. We hope to find a job there and a place to rent and stay.
Me: Yes, start over, if you like.

I: Are you excited about this new plan ?
Me: You know, I am not sure if excited is the right word. Being in 'survival mode' sort off dampens all emotions - good and bad. But we are looking forward to getting on with life. So , yes, I think you can say that we are excited .

I: Guys , thank you so much for the chat. I am sure we will do this again .

No demands

Today is a public Holiday. Voting day.

So let me give you a quick rundown of how my day went before I get to the reason for my post.

05:45 woke up - turned around - sleep
07:15 woke up - turn around - sleep
08:45 woke - excessive pressure in the bladder regions - ...... - make coffee
09:00 - read
10:15 - get out of bed dress - go to coffee shop with a book in hand , hoping to just read thru rest of the day - coffee shop full- turn around - go visit Anton.
Somewhere in between we went to the coffee shop... - and voted.... - and went back to his place. Then all of a sudden I got a bee in my bonnet and left.

Went to Neville's place. They were on their way to visit someone we know and invited me a long. An idea I really balked at . Then they reminded me that we had a home group meeting tonight. Another idea I balked at.

And I wondered : Why am I kicking against these things ? So I had to stop and think about my day.

And I realized that today , all day long , I was very carefree. I did what I wanted. I made no plans for the day and had no expectations for the day. And that was why I bolted from Anton's. When he started making demands on my care free day and time. The same happened when Sandy asked if I wanted to join them . It placed demands on me that I did not want. So did going to homegroup. It was something I did not plan on doing and thus placed demands on me.

I realize that I have had many days like these. Days were I just want to do my own thing or actually nothing at all. Days where I do not have or want responsibility . Days where I kick against plans and demands. Days where I can just let life go me by, as long as it leaves me alone and not interfere with my unplanned and empty day.

I realize that most people would blame me for wasting a day. For doing nothing productive. And you know what - I do not care. I need these times of waste. Of doing nothing and just letting life go by. Times of just vegetating. I wonder if any one will understand that ?

I doubt.

EDIT : I just realized something....

I just realized that I am in survival mode. I take one day at a time. I do not plan ahead. I just let the days go by with the minimum hassle. And I do this because in some strange way it allows me to go through each day without having to cope with a lot of things. Without having to cope with being lonely, or not knowing where I am supposed to be going with my life.
By just going through the routine every day I can cope with my job that is just a another unexciting job. With my little house that is empty. With having to hold my pillows instead of another human being while I fall asleep at night.

It is as if I am just waiting for time to go by. So that when enough time has gone by , I can get up and go on with my life.

Botanical Gardens

I had a nice picnic with Christelle in Bloem over the Easter weekend. Oh . sorry ! did I Forget to mention that I went to Bloem for the weelend ?. ok. I did.

Any way.

While we were there I had the chance to use my camera again.

Here are two of the visitors that we had under our trees :

Questions

I sit an stare at this empty screen.
I wonder what I should say and write.
Should I be honest ?
Should I be that honest ?

Or is there some things that one does not say ,
does not share ?
How do I put this turmoil of mind into words ?
How do I explain this ache ? This need?
How do I share what is on my mind ?
How do I make you see ? Make you understand ?

Is it wrong ?

This ache ?

This longing ?

This need to love ?

And to be loved ?

Just to say.....

I am still around. I have just not had anything profound to say recently. I am surviving in the office. Actually , I am not hating my job anymore. I would not say that I love it, but at least it is bearable. And the boss has been fairly nice to me in that he has booked me on two drives in the past two weeks as well.

Last Saturday's I am not allowed to talk about.

But yesterday's drive I am. I had the privilege to drive the new Golf 6 from Uitenhage to Graaff Reinett and back. Total trip millage 560km. The Golf had all the bells and whistles. With a 1.4 TSi motor that delivered 118Kw !!!! 118Kw from a 1400 ????? Amazing. That, coupled to a 6sp manual gearbox made for some real nice driving and preformance. Great fun !!!

I will be going to visit my friends and loved ones in Bloem for easter. I need to sing in the worship group on Wednesday evening and then I will hit the road early Thursday morning. That should put me in Bloem before midday Thursday. I am so looking forward to that.

So then , I am alive. I am around. And when I do have something profound to share , I promise to do just that.

;o)

The pinnacle of Creation

I recently had a conversation with a (female) friend of mine where we discussed my view of girls. Maybe I should say : women. But I will stick to girls. In my mind the term is more endearing.

Now if I talk of girls then I do mean all girls , although in my mind all of this will be focused on that one special girl in a man's , and one day my life.

While I am at it , let me get all of the small print out of the way. Whilst I tried, I do need to acknowledge and admit that there were times in my married life where this did not shine through as well as it should or could have. And I will always stand guilty to that and saddened to the fact that I did not show this as well as I should have.

Ok.

Ever since I can remember I was fascinated by girls. No , wait, maybe I should rephrase that. Ever since I was old enough to fall in love, I was fascinated by girls. I was intrigued by their beauty and grace and, will this make sense , their potential. Girls were these incredibly beautiful and special creatures.

As far as I was concerned , then and now, girls were the pinnacle of creation. I do not think that God created anything more precious or incredible before or since He created girls. I believed , and still do , that God created nothing more beautiful or special than a girl. And like with most special things , also nothing more fragile. And so from an early age I believed that girls needed to be respected and appreciated and protected. Somewhere in all of this I also believed that a girl had a mind and will of her own , and that her emotions and humanity were very , very important.

And I believe that if , as a man, I treat a girl with respect, love and care that it will bring out the best and the potential they were created to have to the fore. And that a girl living to the potential that God created her to be will be even more beautiful and special and sexy. And by the way : Sexy is so far removed from sex and what the media tries to make it. The sexiest girls , the ones that catch your eye and steals your breath , are not the pretiest ones. They are the girls who are confident in themselves and in who they were created to be.

I need to say that I have yet to meet the girl who really belies how special she is in God's eyes. And I know that the Devil goes out of his way to break down the self worth of the girls in our lives. Just look at how women are portrayed in the media.

So why did I post this? I truly do not know.

Maybe just to say this. If you my dear reader is of the male persuasion , then treat the girls in your life with the respect and love and care that they deserve as the pinacle of creation.

And if you are a girl. Then see yourself as God sees you. Realize the awesome potential that you have in you. And stop trying to measure up to the image that the media created of what you should be like.

The Mission trip to Mosambique

Two posts in one day ! Yep , believe it.

On top of my previous post I need to post this one.

Our church is planning a mission trip into Mozambique again ( they have done so once every two years or so since 1999). Now I believe that I am supposed to go on this trip. Apart from a school mission trip into Lesotho , I have not done something like this before. I do believe that I can serve the Lord on this trip , even if only with my photography skills to come and tell the story more clearly back home.

Now the costs of this trip would be about R4500 . That is about a whole month's pay for me. And as I have said in the previous post , it is not as if I have any spare cash lying around to pay for this.

And so , what it boils down to is this: If God wants me on this trip , and I hope He does, then He will have to find a huge rabbit to pull out of a hat. Because I am willing to go. I want to go. But I can not afford it. As it is , going will will cost me about 7 days in unpaid leave. Or to put it bluntly , it will mean that I will receive a quarter less pay at the end of the month of that mission trip.

And so I ask this of you my friends, readers and fellow bloggers. Pray with me that God's will be done. Pray that He who has infinite resources available , will make a way for me to go on this trip. And pray for the trip. That the work and service and love of the people going will be to His honor and Glory , and will further and solidify His kingdom here in our corner of the world.

The Question.... remix

I have been doing a lot of thinking , and praying, and talking to friends. And I believe that God does not want me in Bloem ....... Yet.

You see, due to some very stupid choices that I have made in the past , and compounded by the fact that I have not earned a decent salary in quite a while , I have a LOT of debt. Enough debt that I now have a lot of lawyers and debtors on my case.

Now before I can move forward with my life , I need to get rid of all this debt. Start on a clean page. With my current job and current salary , to clean the debt would take me nearly 5 years. By which time I will be 37 !

There is another option however. An option that I have considered earlier and then placed on hold when I started to enjoy the driving job (that I have since had to give up for the office position that I hate).

This option was to become a game ranger, or to use the proper name, a Field Guide. A job that I would like to do and one that will allow me to pay of my debt in about 2.5 years. The reason for this is that the job usually includes housing, food and clothes. So all of my salary, which is not great, will be able to pay debt. The reason for this quite obviously is that I now pay lodging and food , which will fall away if I am a Field Guide.

In order to apply for a game rangers position I will need to do the following :

• register with the Field Guide Association of SA in April
  
• batten down the hatches , and study my ass off .
• Write the Level 1 exam and pass with 75% or more.
• Get my PDP
  
• Do a practical exam at a game farm.
• Start applying for a job as a level 1 Ranger. (actually Field Guide)

So this for now is the short to medium term plan for my life. Stick it out with the current job, try to hold off the debtors (or apply to be placed under administration) and work towards getting that Level 1 FGASA credit behind my name.

So pray for me, that I have the strength , determination, and the drive to get through all of this.

The Question .continued....

Ok. So what on earth was all that about ??

Maybe , for those who do not know me, a quick background. I grew up in a town called Bloemfontein. In my married years I have moved with my wife (then a probationary minister in the Methodist Church) from Bloemfontein to Centurion. Then Macassar , near Cape Town. Then Bloemfontein again. Then , after getting very hurt in the congregation in Bloemfontein, we moved to Uitenhage. Now apart from the fact that our marriage of 10 years ended in divorce in Uitenhage , the place was actually very good to both of us. My (ex) wife has since moved to Cape Town where, I am happy to say , she is very happy. I have stayed around in Uitenhage and started to work for VW as an endurance test driver. A job that I really enjoyed. The only bad thing about the job was that there were times where no work was available and I stayed home. Without pay !

Now in the mean time , the boss needed a PA. And I was the choice , I guess since I knew how to witch on a PC. To be honest, I do not like this new job. In fact the word 'hate' springs to mind. I am not sure how long I will be able to keep up under this strain. The only nice thing about the new job is the fact that I am guaranteed of work every day. Something that I really need, given my precarious financial situation.

Right ! Now to the Question. In the past 3 days I have had 3 people all asking me when I am moving back to Bloemfontein. I have been avoiding that question , but it seems that God wants me to deal with it.

For a reason I can not explain I have been kicking very hard against going back to Bloem. I think that I need to list the pros and cons of Bloem here.

Cons

• I have gotten very hurt in Bloem
• Bloem is very far from the ocean - something I have come to love.
• Bloem is very far from my wonderful Uitenhage friends
• I am going to miss my church
• I do not know where I will join a church in Bloem. I do not trust any of the 2 Methodist churches there.
  
• There is not much to do as far as outdoor experiences are concerned.
  

Pros

• I have very good friends in Bloem
• I can have a clean start without the 'stigma' of being recently divorced.
• I have a chance of getting a job that I like.
• There may be some one special for me in Bloem

I need to find God's will in this. Where does He want me to go ? I wish I knew what He wanted me to do with my life. Because I honestly have no idea.

I do know this: If I go to my boss and tell him that I am resigning and moving to Bloem he will give birth to seven little kittens with rubber necks on his desk.

The Question now is .....

c - South African Tourism

The big question.

I will post more details later. But for now this will have to do.

I need to go and pray and ask God about this one.

Another day , another mood.

Thank you to all who commented and worried and phoned me after my very negative post yesterday.

I maybe need make one thing clear - I know that God is always with me. Even in my deepest despair yesterday was I not unaware of His presence in my life .




I think that what got to me yesterday was a sense of hopelessness . I do not know what God is planning for my life and I do not understand why things happen in my life. And that is something I do not handle well. If I know why something is happening or what the plan for a certain event is , then I am quite happy to go through loads of nonsense in order to get to the end result. I could not see where my life is going. I saw all the negative things and all the things that to me looked so big and I forgot that I serve a God who is not limited to my limitations .

I guess I need to remember James 1 : 2-5

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Especially since I have been asking God for wisdom and understanding so I can know His will for my life.

I consider myself rapped over the knuckles !

Today , I am curious . I can not wait to see where God is going with my life. And yes , I am also impatient !!!! I wish He would do things now.

And then I stop and I realize.:" But He is doing things now !" He is doing things in my life. And in my friends lives. And it excites me so !!

Question : Do we serve an AWESOME God , or what ??!!

Today

Today I am feeling tired and depressed.
I did not enjoy my job.
And I am lonely.

Maybe that is what is eating me most. Human beings were never made to be alone. And I do not do well with alone.

What am I trying to say ? I do not know. I have no idea.

Sometimes life is just ....... hard.

Mine is . Today.

But

tomorrow

will

be

better.

I am just tired , and depressed , and gatvol , and lonely. Maybe I just have PMS. And this blustery wind is not helping.

Don't worry . I will be ok. promise !

Blogs and readers(stats)

Earlier today ...... No wait it is yesterday by now.

Any way . Earlier on this blog I received 2 comments on my last post. One was from Matt at the Church of no People.

The other was from Tony C of Tony C Today.

Now Tony said :"Keep writing and people will find you and follow your blog." and I responded by saying :"I could not really care whether people read my blog or not. "

(Reading it again now that actually sounds a bit harsh.)

Then , later on , I realized that what I said was a contradiction to one of my earlier posts this month where I said that I blog because I wanted people to read.

And so I am here , to try and sort out the confusion.

I do not really mind how many people read my blog. Especially people from outside of my circle of friends. Make no mistake ... I am flattered that people like Tony and Matt take the time to read a bit and actually comment on my blog. But I am surely not Blogging to create a following . I blog for me. I blog to sort out my thoughts and put my struggles down on paper webspace. If , by chance, or maybe by God's guidance, someone I do not know reads my blog and finds a grain of wisdom , or a similar struggle or some comfort in my blog then that is good. But that is surely not my main purpose to this blog.

I do hope that my friends do read my blog, because I think that reading my blog might give them an insight into my thoughts and my emotions that they would not otherwise have had. I hope that by reading each others blogs we would see the needs and share the pain of this circle of friends. That we would be able to carry each others burdens

And so I write in order to be honest. To put my heart on my sleeve and leave my masks at the door firewall and just be me. To show those interested enough in me the real me. And if, after they have read my blog and seen the real me, they still want to be my friends then I know that I have true friends.

It is nice to know that there are people who read my blog. But , it is not essential to my blog's survival. Even if I had no readers , I would still blog.

and 19:43 ..

I just thought that after that whole post this morning and my moaning about my job, that it is only fair that I come back and comment some at the end of this day.

I was really really tired . And what a whacker of a day I had. Never a still moment. But ....

I need to be honest. I actually feel better about the job. I feel a bit more in control of what is happening and I nearly enjoyed doing it. It was a real busy day and I had to keep going.

And the fact that my boss went to the trouble, of bringing the lady who I am replacing down from Pretoria to help show me the ropes, helped a lot because I did not need to ask him for help or advice on every little thing.

So ! I am sure that My heavenly Daddy had hand in this day and helped me to face it. And I am thankful.

Now if only He would answer my other questions !!

But I guess , all in good time.

05:46 in the morning

It is quarter to six on this beautiful Tuesday morning, and I find myself in front of my PC again. I have just come back from cycling with my friend Neville aka Mcgyver. I really enjoy these early morning cycling sessions , but I do find that I pay the price for them as well. The thing is that in order to go cycling before work I need to get up at 4:30.

Now that in itself is not a problem. Especially if you go to bed at 20:00 like my dad. But.... The problem is that I don't. Even if I go to bed at 22:00 I find myself rolling around and being very awake till at least 00:30. And that leaves me with 4 hours of sleep a night. Which for me is way too little.

I find , that without enough sleep, I become irritable and depressed. I do not cope well with things in my life.

Like my new job. I have been moved from having to drive for 8 hours a day to having to sit in an office and do filing and excel spreadsheets for 8 hours. And I do not enjoy it. Which makes me feel guilty.

I know (and have been told by my mother) that I am intelligent. That I have a brain capable of solving problems and getting jobs done. I have proven that yesterday by redesigning one of our spreadsheets and effectively cutting my workload by 35%. And all of this makes me feel guilty for preferring a mindless driving job above something challenging.

In a couple of days there will be more cars running and enough work for everyone andI will be stuck in an office. I just wish I could see God's plan for me in all of this.

Maybe I need to get more sleep. Then I will probably cope better. And blogger will get less posts out of me. And I would not post pictures of mice inside snakes, and giggle uncontrollably when I see it.

PS: Sorry about moaning like this. I just had to talk to somebody..... (but that is another post on its own)

PPS : I sure hope my boss never reads this.

Random thoughts

Another day draws to a close as I sit in front of my desk, staring at this empty screen and this keyboard full of dead letters.

Thoughts and emotions tumble through my mind , refusing to be captured and penned down. This frustration with a another meaningless day in the office is underlined by an overwhelming sense of loneliness, punctuated and given meaning when I walk into this empty little space I call home.

What would I give to be able to just hold another human being till this loneliness dissipates. To be allowed to cook for two. To watch Tv or listen to music in silence, just knowing the presence of another beside me.

O what a sweet dream, this dream of companionship and intimacy. This dream that I am not sure I am allowed to have. How I wish that God sent SMS's or telegrams. What if this dream clashes with His will ? If only I could know, could share , in the dreams He has for me. If only I could know that somewhere in the future .......

And so I battle with this fight inside me. This struggle to be content in the now. This struggle to remain positive and wait for His time. I long to know where He needs me to go , and what He needs me to do. I long to know his purpose and dream for my life.

Funny how having a soul mate and serving God , in my mind at least, seems directly opposed. But it is. It always has been in my life. This battle between 'seek ye first the Kingdom' and this overwhelming need to love and be loved.

Pray for me . Pray that I will find His will and His answers. Pray for me as I seek his plan for my life . As I try to understand. As I battle through each day in the office. And as I strive to place Him first in my heart and my life.