Update

OK. Some time has passed since my last blog. And while I am brewing and chewing on some new blog posts I have not got any thing really significant to say.

I have had a very nice long weekend with Christelle who came visit all the way from Bloemfontein. I am very proud of her for having the guts to drive all the way here and back alone. Especially since this was her first solo long trip. Also proud of her for making the choice to move out of her mother's house and into her own little place. I think that is something that should have happened a very long time ago.

Today I was thrown in the deep end when I was tasked with training the new endurance drivers at work. I think that things went ok and that they learned as much as I could teach them in one day.

I have been chewing on two blogs that may or may not actually see the light of blogspace. Will see how that turns out.

Christelle has given me a book to read called 'Conversations with God' by N.D.Walsch.  I found it quite surprising to see how quickly my 'spirit' rebelled against what I was reading. About 3 pages into the book I was uncomfortable with the thoughts and 'theology' behind the book.  The further I read , the more I became convinced that Mr. Walsch was a) not a Christian and b) had the cat by the tail. A lot of what he writes centers around the teachings of the New Age movement.  I went to the trouble of google-ing the book and came across a couple of christian websites who had the info I needed. I am afraid that I will not be reading the book any further.

Makes me feel slightly guilty , actually, as this is second book that poor Christelle gave me to read that I did not agree with. (the other one , a book by Joel Osteen. Seems my Theology and Joel's does not agree either.)

So.... that is my life in a nutshell at the moment.

Sunrise 17/09/2009

Thank you Father for another day. One more day to live and learn.
Thank you for a sunrise. Thank you for the glow of light breaking through the clouds.
Thank you that Winter turns to Spring. And Spring to Summer.
Thank you that Seasons change, and hearts heal.

Crowned Plover Chicks

I went to the VW test track on Thursday with Neville to go and take some photographs of the recently hatched crowned plover chicks. For Afrikaans speaking people - a Plover is a "Kiewiet" in Afrikaans. A name I am sure they received from the sound they make when frightened or in flight .

Phillip Tunnel, Hankey

Today , Neville , Sandy , Captain Tupperware and I went for a Sunday afternoon drive and ended up at a place called Phillip Tunnel.

Here is a little bit of info on the tunnel as I could find on Baviaans.net.

William Philip, son of Dr John Philip head of the London Missionary Society in South Africa, studied surveying in Cape Town from 1834 to 1836. Later he trained as a missionary in Britain and in 1841 he returned to the mission station at Hankey.

At the time Hankey was experiencing a serious water shortage, Philip therefore examined the site and discovered that he could lead water out of the Gamtoos River onto the settlement's farm-lands. This would, however, involve the construction of a tunnel through the cliff which, for those times, was a formidable undertaking.

Philip and his Hottentot labourers started digging in 1843 and within little more than a year they had completed a tunnel of 228m long.

This tunnel has been declared a national monument and the commemoration plaque was unveiled on the same day as the opening of the Kouga Dam. The tunnel is no longer in use.

and 2 pics of me and Neville playing with my Camera and Multi exposure flash techniques.

Opstaan

I was browsing back through old blog posts. Both my own and Alet's. And I came across this post that she made nearly a year ago :

"mag jy mooi wees as die lelik verby is
en jy sag kyk na elke harde tyd
mag jy bly wees as die huil verby is
en jy vrede he na die stryd

verkeerde goed kom more weer reg
en die wyn is soet na die bitter en sleg

mag jy opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
mag jy huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter los vir die son

en mag jy droom, mag jy ook vergeet
en op plekke woon wat van horisonne weet

jy kan opstaan as jy seer geval het
en jou vrae verdwyn as die antwoord kom
jy kan huis toe kom as jy klaar verdwaal het
en die winter lost vir die son"

- opstaan ; Koos van der Merwe (Lid van die musik groep Prophet)

I am back

What an absolutely stunning weekend I have had.

Left for Stormsriver mouth around 9:30 on Saturday and arrived at my campsite by 11:30. Set up my tent and trailer and just relaxed.

Got some very nice pics of the wildlife and the scenery.

Drove back this morning and on impulse turned of the Main highway and took the R102 home. Nice scenery and not a car on the road. I will blog later about the things I have thought about and learned about myself this weekend. But not now. For more of the photos I took while I was away feel free to visit my webpage galleries.

Stormsriver mouth

Tonight I am blogging from my cellphone. As I have mentioned before , blogging from my phone is not something i particularly like, but tonight I will do so gladly.

You see, for tonight and tomorrow night, I am sleeping in my tent in the Tsitsikamma national park. I must say that this is due , in no small part, to friends who love me and care for me and have supplied money for me to be here.

I am very gratefull to them !

And so , tonight , I sit and I watch and listen to the ocean. And I praise God for who He is.

That longing feeling......

There is a struggle in me for the last while that I feel the need to place on paper webspace. Due, in part, to the need I have to share my struggle but also due to the fact that verbalising my thought may help me clarify some things for myself.

This post may not make a lot of sense and will probably not be very coherent. Please bear with me as I wrestle through this.

To get to the point.

From since puberty hit me and girls became something else than irritating , giggling things to be ignored , I have had a need (a longing, if you will) to have girlfriend. To have a person in my life that I could love and hold and share that special closeness with. Up to about my 21st birthday I never really had a girlfriend. O how I longed for a girlfriend ! How I longed to also have someone special in my life to love and to hold.

I am guessing that this was/is part of what it means to be a sexual being. The capacity to be attracted to someone , to fall in love , and to love is what defines our sexuality.

Now , being a Christian , and having been raised in a Christian home and Church , I have obviously come in contact with the church's view and opinions on sex and sexuality. And if we have to be honest then the chucrh's view and opnion was usually one of 'Don't!!'

Don't look. Don't touch. Don't enjoy. Don't mention. Don't acknowledge. Don't deal with it. Don't talk about it.

The church has either shied away from dealing with sexuality or has shoved it's head in the sand with an attitude that said ' If we ignore it , it will go away!'. And so , In my mind and I believe many other's , the idea formed that Christianity and Sexuality did not mix. You could be a Christian , or a sexual being , but if you were a Christian and (admitted to be) a sexual being you were sinning.

The problem is that human sexuality will not be denied. It is a part of how God created us. This means that many good, God fearing people , live with a guilt complex about their sexuality. I find that I long for someone to love and hold. And then I feel so guilty about it. Becuase all of the things I heard in my youth comes back to me. Things like : God should be your all. God should fill the void in you. God's love for you is enough.

Maybe I even sprouted some of that nonsense to other people . I hope not. But if I did I am really sorry. Because in the last few months I have learnt that going home to an empty house or getting into an empty bed, sucks. The longing for closeness and human touch and contact is so strong that when an old lady in a prayer meeting rubbed my hand while she was in thought the other day , I nearly broke down and sobbed like a child.

So , I think this post needs to deal with two things. Firstly , I believe that the church needs to wake up and change it's attitude towards sexuality. We need to realise that human beings are sexual beings. We need to stop condeming people about their sexuality and start to help them to develop and nurture their sexuality to the glory of God.

Secondly , I need to deal with the guilt I feel towards my longing for intemacy and closeness to another human being. Maybe I need to learn that it is normal and ok to want to love and be loved.

Pray for me as I walk on this journey while I try to find God's plan and will for my life. And as I sometimes battle these feelings of loneliness and guilt.

Snakes and Ladders and Mental barriers

I have never been very fond of board games. One game I never really liked was 'snakes and ladders'. While it was nice to be able to move my pip up the ladder I hated it when I had to move back down a snake. Sometimes way down - all the way to the beginning.

Isn't it strange how in a marriage you can become so used to your partner? What ? You have never felt that ? Is it only me ?

Ok. Sorry.

I realize that over the 10 years or our marriage I have become very used to Alet. Her way of thinking and doing. Her humor and passions. Her way of looking at things and reacting. And in that state of being 'used to' your partner you become complacent.

Up to today, Alet has not been a significant part of my life for just more than eight months.

Now , let me be honest. I long for somebody to hold and cuddle and put my arms around when I lie in bed at night. I long to love and to share my life. And I long to be loved. To be held and cared for and to feel special and accepted.

But somewhere between this longing and the fulfillment of that longing lies a mental barrier. A barrier that says - you have to start again. You have to learn to love and care and trust again. You have to start all the way back at the beginning.

That same mental barrier is made up of a question also. A question that says - Is it worth it ? Is it really worth it to love and care and trust again ?

Will it be worth it ? I am sure it will. Will I get past this barrier of being scared to get hurt again? I am sure I will . At some point.

If this post is a little confusing and unstructured , please excuse me. This is something that I am still working out in my mind. And I find that blogging sometimes helps me to organize my thoughts.

You.

I have loved you. Absolutely.
But I did not show my love the way I should have.
I have loved you . With all my Heart.
But when things did not work out. Did not make sense :
I became selfish and self centered.

Today I wondered; If one day, people will understand ?
That the best way for me to show my love was to set you free.
To not hold on. To allow you to be the woman you were made to be.
What, would more selfishness have brought ?

I pray that you will find contentment, and peace.
And Love.
I pray that you will love, and be loved.
Fully you. And fully alive.
I pray that you will be allowed to be you.
The real you.

Fireproof

Last night I watched a movie called "fireproof".

Here is a description of the movie - shamelessly copied from the fireproof website.

At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter's adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules.

Growing up, Catherine Holt always dreamed of marrying a loving, brave firefighter...just like her daddy. Now, after seven years of marriage, Catherine wonders when she stopped being "good enough" for her husband.

Regular arguments over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to move on to something with more sparks.

As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb's father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment: "The Love Dare." Wondering if it's even worth the effort, Caleb agrees-for his father's sake more than for his marriage. When Caleb discovers the book's daily challenges are tied into his parents' new found faith, his already limited interest is further dampened.

While trying to stay true to his promise, Caleb becomes frustrated time and again. He finally asks his father, "How am I supposed to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?"

When his father explains that this is the love Christ shows to us, Caleb makes a life-changing commitment to love God. And with God's help he begins to understand what it means to truly love his wife.

But is it too late to fireproof his marriage? His job is to rescue others. Now Caleb Holt is ready to face his toughest job ever...rescuing his wife's heart.

» Read More About FIREPROOF.

I couldn't help but wonder if things would have worked out differently if I had been a better husband . And I realize that it probably would not have. But I am still very, very sorry for the pain and hurt that I caused Alet in the years that we have been married. I realize that I did not do a very good biblical job of showing the love I had for her. But love her , I did! I am sorry for not having shown it the way I should have.

And so , I find other questions queing up to be noticed : .... Would I actually learn from my mistakes and do a better job of it if I get a second chance at marriage one day? Would I actually get a second chance ? or was this it ? Either way , I do not regret the 10 years of marriage that I have had. I do regret not being a better husband though.

;-|

Sundays River

I took this shot on the way home from visiting my brother on Tuesday. Must be honest , I am not completely sure that I like it. But if nothing else - it shows that I went to go visit my brother and had a good time on the public holiday.

Moonrise over the road to Swartkops

Photography

Shark rock Pier

I actually picked up my camera again and took some photos !!! Can you believe it ??

Time to take my stand.

My best friend, of the last 13 odd years, is gay. It wasn't something she decided to be one day. It wasn't a choice she made or lifestyle she liked. In fact for the last 10 years she tried so very hard to be a normal wife in a normal family.

She is also a Christian. a Follower of Jesus and a woman deeply devoted to God. For 10 years she tried her level best to be a good 'straight' christian wife , and live a normal heterosexual life. But eventually the pressures of living a life of lies got too much. Not being able to be who she was created to be , was slowly killing her. And it was killing me. And so at the end of 2008 we got divorced.

I still love and respect her deeply as a friend and as the mother of my child. And I wish for her all the best that life has to offer. I wish for her joy and happiness and love and peace. I realize that the path before her will not be an easy one. And so , for the little that it is worth, to her and fellow gay or lesbian people , I need to take a stand.

The church is so fond of saying :"love the sinner, but hate the sin". And, though I do not believe that being gay is a sin, I would like to follow this line of thought for a short while.

Jesus said something about loving people . He said "Love your neighbor as yourself".

So let me go with this for a while. As a human being I wish a couple of things for myself. Things like : health, a place to stay, friends, food, love....

Let us look at that one quickly. Love.... I wish for myself someone whom I can love and who can love me. A soul mate. My other half.

I do not want to grow old all alone. I do not want to be celibate. I want to have a soul mate , a lover, a partner. Yes , I want to enjoy the intimacy of sex. So how on earth can I wish these things for myself , yet turn around and say to Alet - you are not allowed to have these things.

I think that it is very, very easy for the church to stand at a distance and say "love the sinner, hate the sin". It is a lot more difficult to say this if it is to the face of some one you love and care for like a son , a daughter or a close friend.

I am convinced that for most gay / lesbian people , being gay was never a choice. It is the way they were born. How can I tell them that the way they were created is wrong. Is a sin. Is not good enough for God.

And so , I say this to any church that sprouts the gay is a sin slogan: You are wrong ! And I will not enter or be part of a church that supports that opinion.

I realize that there is a lot more to this debate , and it was never my intention to try and debate all the points, or cover all the issues. But it was my intention to give all who want to know , an insight into my stand on the subject.

This evening's sunset

Speeding

I was stopped for speeding today.

And I honestly thought I would be able to talk myself out of it. Until I saw the speed cop looking at my dog on the back seat.




































PS: I do believe that this image was created for an add for the VW Gti Golf. But I stand to be corrected. Either way , I thought it was brilliant.

Depression

After valiantly ignoring all the signs for as long as I could and calling what I experienced these last few weeks 'survival mode' I came to the conclusion yesterday that I am on the verge of depression.

Having been there before I know that it is a tough and steep hole to get out of. I realized that things are not going well when I stopped a bit to take stock of myself yesterday and found the following :

• I almost welcomed the deep sadness that came over me yesterday. As if when I can not feel any other emotions like joy or happiness then at least I can feel this emotion of sadness. As if any emotion is better than none at all.
• I have no willpower to do anything more than the routine.
  
• I am not interested in doing new things or meeting new people , or even spending time with any one that will make any demands on the limited emotional resources that I have left.
• At times I feel completely and utterly hopeless.
  
• After having lost 3 kgs recently , I gained 5kg in the past 2 weeks.
• I am irritable and emotionally unstable.
• My sleep patterns are up to sh....!
  

And so I admitted all of this to myself. I went to the chemist to go and buy a vitamin B complex booster. I admitted my sorry state to Neville, Graham and Christelle. And I am making a point of tackling at least one issue that needs dealing with every day.

I need to say that things are already going a little better today. In no small measure, I am sure, due to God looking out for me and helping me.

So please pray for me. But also , realize that things are going better already.


PS: there is a couple blog posts brewing in my mind at the moment. And that is a good thing , me thinks!

My son's birthday

Yesterday my son turned 8. And every year bar one I baked the cake for his birthday. So I drove all the way to Cape Town for the weekend to go and visit him and my (ex) wife* and to go and bake him a cake. In this case , a doggie cake.

I had a great weekend. We played with his new toys and built lots of Lego cars. It was nice to see him again after 4 months and it was good to be able to sit down and chat with Alet.

Thanks guys for a nice weekend.

* : I do not like the term ex wife. It has way too many negative connections. The thing is that we are still good friends. And I still care for her. And so she is not the typical Ex. I know that we will always have a soft spot and care for each other.
I do not want people to associate the negative connections with her. So what do I call her?

An interview with : Me, myself and I

I have been privileged to get Me and Myself for an interview recently. The transcript of that interview follows:

I: Welcome guys , and thanks for joining me for this interview.
Myself: Thank you very much . It is great to be here.
Me: Hey , great to be here.

I:Now you have been writing this blog for a while now. As far as this blog is concerned you have been fairly quiet recently compared to a month or so ago. Any reason for that ?
Me: Yes , you know , we find that when it comes to this blog that it happens often that there are quieter times and busier times. It's seems to be a cycle.
Myself: I think it depends on our emotional situation at the time. It would seem that we blog more when things are going tough.

I: So would that mean that you are OK at the moment ?
Myself : Yes , I do think so.

I: Yet , in you last post you mentioned that you are in 'survival mode'. What did you mean by that ?
Me: hmmm, tough question. I think 'survival mode' means that we have to make do with what we've got. The situation is not ideal , but it is not bad either. And so if we had to look at things objectively then it is going ok.
Myself: Let me add: Survival mode in a way forces us to bypass the emotional things a bit. I think it is a bit of a defence mechanism. 'Cause if we had to really delve into the emotions of being alone and all that that entails we would surely end up in a state of depression.
ME: Yes, and having suffered from depression for a number of years it is a place we do our best to avoid.

I: So are you saying that if you were honest that emotionally you are not ok ?
Me: No , not at all. Emotionally we are actually surprisingly OK. But as you know , we do not cope well with being alone. And so we tend to stay away from dwelling on the emotions of being alone for too long.

I: Ok , so what do you see for the future ? There was talk of going into game ranging, or going to Bloem? What are you planning at the moment ?
Myself : The idea at the moment is to move to Bloem by the end of June 2009. We hope to find a job there and a place to rent and stay.
Me: Yes, start over, if you like.

I: Are you excited about this new plan ?
Me: You know, I am not sure if excited is the right word. Being in 'survival mode' sort off dampens all emotions - good and bad. But we are looking forward to getting on with life. So , yes, I think you can say that we are excited .

I: Guys , thank you so much for the chat. I am sure we will do this again .

No demands

Today is a public Holiday. Voting day.

So let me give you a quick rundown of how my day went before I get to the reason for my post.

05:45 woke up - turned around - sleep
07:15 woke up - turn around - sleep
08:45 woke - excessive pressure in the bladder regions - ...... - make coffee
09:00 - read
10:15 - get out of bed dress - go to coffee shop with a book in hand , hoping to just read thru rest of the day - coffee shop full- turn around - go visit Anton.
Somewhere in between we went to the coffee shop... - and voted.... - and went back to his place. Then all of a sudden I got a bee in my bonnet and left.

Went to Neville's place. They were on their way to visit someone we know and invited me a long. An idea I really balked at . Then they reminded me that we had a home group meeting tonight. Another idea I balked at.

And I wondered : Why am I kicking against these things ? So I had to stop and think about my day.

And I realized that today , all day long , I was very carefree. I did what I wanted. I made no plans for the day and had no expectations for the day. And that was why I bolted from Anton's. When he started making demands on my care free day and time. The same happened when Sandy asked if I wanted to join them . It placed demands on me that I did not want. So did going to homegroup. It was something I did not plan on doing and thus placed demands on me.

I realize that I have had many days like these. Days were I just want to do my own thing or actually nothing at all. Days where I do not have or want responsibility . Days where I kick against plans and demands. Days where I can just let life go me by, as long as it leaves me alone and not interfere with my unplanned and empty day.

I realize that most people would blame me for wasting a day. For doing nothing productive. And you know what - I do not care. I need these times of waste. Of doing nothing and just letting life go by. Times of just vegetating. I wonder if any one will understand that ?

I doubt.

EDIT : I just realized something....

I just realized that I am in survival mode. I take one day at a time. I do not plan ahead. I just let the days go by with the minimum hassle. And I do this because in some strange way it allows me to go through each day without having to cope with a lot of things. Without having to cope with being lonely, or not knowing where I am supposed to be going with my life.
By just going through the routine every day I can cope with my job that is just a another unexciting job. With my little house that is empty. With having to hold my pillows instead of another human being while I fall asleep at night.

It is as if I am just waiting for time to go by. So that when enough time has gone by , I can get up and go on with my life.

Botanical Gardens

I had a nice picnic with Christelle in Bloem over the Easter weekend. Oh . sorry ! did I Forget to mention that I went to Bloem for the weelend ?. ok. I did.

Any way.

While we were there I had the chance to use my camera again.

Here are two of the visitors that we had under our trees :

Questions

I sit an stare at this empty screen.
I wonder what I should say and write.
Should I be honest ?
Should I be that honest ?

Or is there some things that one does not say ,
does not share ?
How do I put this turmoil of mind into words ?
How do I explain this ache ? This need?
How do I share what is on my mind ?
How do I make you see ? Make you understand ?

Is it wrong ?

This ache ?

This longing ?

This need to love ?

And to be loved ?

Just to say.....

I am still around. I have just not had anything profound to say recently. I am surviving in the office. Actually , I am not hating my job anymore. I would not say that I love it, but at least it is bearable. And the boss has been fairly nice to me in that he has booked me on two drives in the past two weeks as well.

Last Saturday's I am not allowed to talk about.

But yesterday's drive I am. I had the privilege to drive the new Golf 6 from Uitenhage to Graaff Reinett and back. Total trip millage 560km. The Golf had all the bells and whistles. With a 1.4 TSi motor that delivered 118Kw !!!! 118Kw from a 1400 ????? Amazing. That, coupled to a 6sp manual gearbox made for some real nice driving and preformance. Great fun !!!

I will be going to visit my friends and loved ones in Bloem for easter. I need to sing in the worship group on Wednesday evening and then I will hit the road early Thursday morning. That should put me in Bloem before midday Thursday. I am so looking forward to that.

So then , I am alive. I am around. And when I do have something profound to share , I promise to do just that.

;o)