I have never been very fond of board games. One game I never really liked was 'snakes and ladders'. While it was nice to be able to move my pip up the ladder I hated it when I had to move back down a snake. Sometimes way down - all the way to the beginning.
Isn't it strange how in a marriage you can become so used to your partner? What ? You have never felt that ? Is it only me ?
Ok. Sorry.
I realize that over the 10 years or our marriage I have become very used to Alet. Her way of thinking and doing. Her humor and passions. Her way of looking at things and reacting. And in that state of being 'used to' your partner you become complacent.
Up to today, Alet has not been a significant part of my life for just more than eight months.
Now , let me be honest. I long for somebody to hold and cuddle and put my arms around when I lie in bed at night. I long to love and to share my life. And I long to be loved. To be held and cared for and to feel special and accepted.
But somewhere between this longing and the fulfillment of that longing lies a mental barrier. A barrier that says - you have to start again. You have to learn to love and care and trust again. You have to start all the way back at the beginning.
That same mental barrier is made up of a question also. A question that says - Is it worth it ? Is it really worth it to love and care and trust again ?
Will it be worth it ? I am sure it will. Will I get past this barrier of being scared to get hurt again? I am sure I will . At some point.
If this post is a little confusing and unstructured , please excuse me. This is something that I am still working out in my mind. And I find that blogging sometimes helps me to organize my thoughts.
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